63 Signs of Recession

For the average American man and woman — let's call them Freddie and Fannie — times are feeling a bit dicey. The housing market is in a swoon. The stock market is swooning right along. Consumer confidence? Lying there like a wet towel on the bathroom floor that nobody's picking up.

As troubling as things are, however, are we really in bad shape? Here's a handy-dandy way to find out.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A RECESSION WHEN ...

1. You put your family on eBay.

2. You have your gold fillings removed and not by your dentist.

3. You enjoy the Four Seasons at lunch: Summer, winter, spring, and fall, with your new friend, Pete. A pigeon.

4. Your child's birthday party features the very reasonably priced Clarence the Once-Convicted Clown.

5. When you send your friends an e-mail it usually begins, "FROM THE DESK OF MR. ZONGO."

6. Your hostess gift is actually made by Hostess.

7. Your country club finds you steaming broccoli in the sauna.

8. Your bus to the Hamptons leaves from Chinatown.

9. Your Gucci bag is spelled with an extra "c."

10. You give your son summer Spanish lessons by having him work in lawn care. (Actually, not a bad idea.)

11. When your doctor says you need a pacemaker, you start browsing craigslist.

12. When you get into your Jacuzzi you throw a load of laundry in, too.

13. Your yoga mat looks a lot like last week's New York Times.

14. So do your dinner napkins.

15. You put your four-cylinder, 30-mpg Dodge Dart up for sale.

16. You use the proceeds to buy a Hummer.

17. You brag about your new Apple. Then you go home and eat it.

18. Your weekend home looks remarkably like your weekday home.

19. Your weekday home looks remarkably like your parents'.

20. Your Smart Car is so smart it has left you, moved to Cambodia, and opened a bra factory.

21. Your knobby tomatoes are the only heirlooms you have left.

22. American Airlines charges you $5 per pant leg. Other airlines follow suit.

23. A-Rod and Madonna re-heat last night's Kung Pao Chicken before early evening Kabbalah class.

24. Toilet paper in Eddie Murphy's home is exactly the same brand as they have in DreamWorks recording studios.

25. You rent out your MySpace and crash in the corner of a friend's MySpace page.

26. You take the penny out of your loafers.

27. You bring homemade cookies to the office, and charge for them.

28. Rachel Ray is spotted actually eating at a Dunkin' Donuts.

29. Michael Bloomberg makes plans to spend the weekend in New York City.

30. On your beach vacation, you can see the Wonder Wheel.

31. You switch from single malt Scotch to single malt liquor.

32. You sell your Miami real estate holdings to pay for a haircut. You carefully decide which hair.

33. You are bumped when you swim, thanks to the salmon you are farming in your lap pool.

34. Your standing date at the opera is now a standing date at the opera. You wear comfy shoes.

35. Your daughter and her fiance register for Chinette.

36. Your podiatrist is Dr. Scholl.

37. You're overdrawn on your Starbucks card.

38. The big band at your sister's wedding plays Chipmunk hits. Only Chipmunk hits.

39. Instead of feeding the birds you eat the crumbs and teach the birds life skills.

40. You spot Spike Lee sitting in front at the West Fourth Street basketball games.

41. You hear Leona's dog has switched to generic ringworm medicine.

42. At Petrossian it's BYOB — Bring Your Own Blini.

43. The lunch special at Le Cirque comes with a plastic toy.

44. Instead of Botox, you experiment with grout.

45. The Campbell Apartment starts serving the economical "Plaque-ito" — Listerine Cool Mint Mouthwash with a twist.

46. Instead of the iPhone, you use the pPhone. It takes quarters.

47. Lexus dealers fill tanks up with gas and trunks up with Mafia thugs you can use to get more good deals around town.

48. Lancome's Free Gift with Purchase is Isabella Rossellini.

49. Donald Trump makes deal to style hair in a Nike swoosh.

50. Esquire magazine contains scent strip of Calvin Klein's new fragrance, "Gasoline."

51. Ben & Jerry's debuts new flavor, "Lefty Leftovers" — first ice cream flavored with pre-owned food.

52. American Idol stops giving back, starts hoarding.

53. Health clubs offer one free month of Intending to Show Up But Sleeping In Instead.

54. New York Philharmonic music lovers meet at park early to forage for edible plants.

55. New La-Z-Boy service contract offers annual home visit to extract coins from between cushions.

56. Tiffany's issues Customer Loyalty Cards. Buy nine sterling silver punchbowls, the 10th one is free!

57. Persistent foot pain sends Chien-Ming Wang to CVS Minute Clinic.

58. Christie's auctioning off mint condition mints.

59. Glove compartment of Batmobile reveals treasure trove of Burger King ketchup packets.

60. Beyoncé shows up at People's Choice Awards in halter made from bandana.

61. Angelina barters baby pictures for year's free Pampers.

62. Hank Steinbrenner signs Y-Rod, powerful middle school Boy Scout/hitter.

63. K-Mart rolls out wacky Halloween costume, "Middle Class Homeowner."

And remember: When life hands you lemons, use them to open a lemonade stand. Put a cute kid out there as shill. Charge 50 cents a pop and use really small cups.

lskenazy@yahoo.com