Real World Olympic Sports

How come they always have the same old sports at the Olympics? Run, jump, play with a ball — you've got to wonder if the Olympic Committee isn't really a front for some very powerful dogs. Just because they call it "discus" doesn't mean it's not Frisbee. So where does that leave the rest of us? Those of us who have been working for years on skills the committee has yet to recognize? With corporate sponsors fearing viewer flight and China aching to make a splash, maybe it's time for:

New Olympic Sports for large but previously neglected demographic groups.

Group: People who don't know what else to do with their coffee table books

Sport: Coffee-Table Tennis

Identical in most respects to table tennis, except played in a living room full of breakable objects. And instead of paddles, participants use "The Art of the Nude" or "Edward Hopper."

Group: Cuteness Addicts

Sport: Wrestling-Ling

Participants wrestle with giant pandas, tickle them, and feed them bamboo. Be honest. Could you not watch?

Group: The Recently Unemployed

Sport: Hello My Name is Bob Sledding

In this first Olympic event open only to long-term workers shocked to find themselves suddenly laid off, participants hurling downhill feet-first must "accidentally" run into five of their fellow sledders and exchange business cards without slowing down or crying.

Group: TV Pundits

Sport: Zugby

Zugby players tackle their Sunday morning guests to the ground then poll them on what they're looking for in a tax plan.

Group: Frat Boys

Sport: Chicken Croquet

Drunk young men with mallets hit balls between the legs of angry chickens. Think this doesn't happen all the time?

Group: New Yorkers

Sport: Synchronized Subbing

Participants board the downtown C train at 59th for Chambers Street. They have .03 seconds at 42nd to decide if they should jump off and wait for the A, stay on the C, or sprint over to the 1, 2, and 3. Ear-jarring announcement, "Ficklesruggershmehservicetemporarily," indicates one of these lines is out of service. But which?

Group: Olympic Tourists

Sport: Buy-Kwon-Dough

Tourists are locked in the Olympic Village gift shop for 20 minutes. Anyone to emerge without a giant pencil, folding fan, or gold medal wins a gold medal. Second prize: Folding fan. Third prize: Giant pencil.

Group: Mothers of Pre-Schoolers

Sport: Sadmitten

One mitten, red with a snowman motif, has been lost somewhere in Beijing. This includes playgrounds, sandboxes, washing machines, noodle shops, and the olympic bleachers. Mothers from 122 countries compete as the judge, age 4, starts to cry. First to find it gets a huge hug. Mothers caught buying the exact same mitten at the 99-yuan store are disqualified because the original snowman "looked happier," according to the judge, who is now on the floor, screaming and biting.

Group: Artsy, Aspen Types

Sport: Downhill Guggenheiming

On a shiny silver surface designed for China by Jeff Koons, skiers circle their way downhill, swooshing around giant Mylar breasts.

Group: American Tabloid Editors

Sport: Spears Tossing

Points won for the tossing of any reference to any member of the Spears family.

Group: Girl Camp Counselors

Sport: Tug of S'More

Five molten s'mores are placed on a picnic table with 10 camper/counselor teams facing each other. Counselors who successfully convince their camper to give the child across the table the bigger half advance to the Tug of Popsicle Stick Log Cabin. Top two teams compete in Tug of Boyfriend Who Couldn't Care Less About Girls Yet.

Group: Boy Scout Troop Leaders

Sport: Tentathlon

Zipped into a tent somewhere along the Great Wall, scout leaders must convince five hungry, homesick scouts that the rain just makes things cozier. As do the mosquitoes.

Group: Mall Rats

Sport: Pantathalon

First one to try on five pairs of pants — and buy them all — wins.

Group: Frequent Flyers

Sport: Weightshifting

Participants saving the $15 American Airlines checked baggage fee must stuff a wild boar into the overhead bin and remove him five hours later. Warning: Contents may have shifted.

And worse.

lskenazy@yahoo.com