What Your Will Says About You
It has been a bizarre month in the news with much of the coverage focused on death - that of Terri Schiavo and, of course, that of Pope John Paul II. The first was politically divisive, the second "a Catholic Woodstock," in the words of one commentator, an event that drew the whole world together.
But both deaths do prompt thoughts that are not particularly comfortable: how we want to die and what legacy we want to leave behind. The first thought has caused many Americans to consult their lawyers about creating living wills and health care proxies to define on paper how they wish their medical treatment be handled.
The second thought concerning what we wish to leave behind may prompt a meditation on the way we conduct our life - and the values we enshrine in our wills.
John Paul began writing his own will six months after his election as Pope. He continued adding bits and pieces, most of them penned in the annual Lenten period in March. This pope left behind no real property and appointed his personal secretary Archbishop Stanislaw Dziwisz to distribute the little there was. John Paul left a will that spoke of his intense spirituality and ended with words for those close to him, "May God reward you."
We mortals face the same task in writing our wills but cannot really leave it up to a higher power to handle the rewards.
We may, on the contrary, struggle with a temptation to control those to whom we wish to leave what we have accumulated during our time on earth.
Those who have earthly rewards to disperse often create trusts. Trusts are created for a variety of reasons, mainly long-term tax savings.
But some may see these trusts as a means of control. Lawyers call it "reaching beyond the grave."
"Some people may want to create a trust that, for example, stipulates that one of their children can't get the principle until their spouse is divorced or dead," said a trusts and estate lawyer practicing in New York City, Cormac McEnery. "Recently, I had a couple in their 80s come in and try to set up trusts for their children - who were in their 60s - stipulating certain kinds of behavior. I told them that you just have to give it up at some point," adds McEnery.
More typically, a trust may require that a beneficiary be a certain age, have a college education, or be married to get the money. But so-called accountability trusts, in which the trust gives the trustee the discretion to disburse or withhold funds to beneficiaries based on certain guidelines, can ignite family feuds. And if the trustee is a sibling, for instance, sibling rivalry can escalate from overly aggressive arm wrestling to death threats.
Of course, some people don't wait until they are dead to try to control their children with their will. "Recently a mother of 10 children told one daughter that she had been exed out of her will. They had a fight and boom she was out," notes G. Scott Budge, a psychologist and managing director of Philadelphia-based Calder Service Systems, a consulting company that works with financial institutions specializing in services to high net worth individuals.
Apart from truly spiteful intent, wills and trusts are bound to convey a system of values. If a couple has three children and each is given one-third of the inheritance, the value of equity supersedes the value of giving according to need.
Even the process of writing a will sends a signal to the family. If terms of the will are never discussed and details remain secret, clearly, the role of transparency in easing family tensions holds little value. This could mean that the creator of the will is simply uncomfortable in confronting his or her own death or such secrecy can be read as a means of benign control.
There is a lot to criticize about agnostic newsmen (and women) acting as if they've received the call, but thinking positively, the papal pomp is a circumstance to reflect on how we want to be remembered - and whom we want to remember, and how.
Ms. Bailey is a writer and therapist in New York. She can be reached at ebailey@nysun.com.
