Saving Baseball With Blue Ribbon Panels
Eighty years ago, America was a very different place, and baseball a very different game. Today, for instance, ballplayers try to gain an illegal edge on the competition by injecting and smearing themselves with high-powered chemical compounds. Babe Ruth didn't have that option. He was forced, as legend has it, to inject himself with ground sheep testicles to get the power hitting advantage only testosterone can provide.
Speaking not as a baseball correspondent but as a fan and as a citizen of the republic, nothing offends me more than the possibility that our sacred record books might be soiled by illegitimate accomplishments, and that's why I'd like to announce the formation of a new blue ribbon panel — the Marchman Commission. Led by me, the commission will consist of me, Mrs. Marchman, young William Marchman, his friend Mr. Bear, and the esteemed playwright Jonathan Leaf. You, the public, can rest assured that we will pursue the facts dispassionately and rigorously, with no agenda and with no master other than the truth. Whether this leads us to exonerate Ruth of the grave charges levied against him or to recommend that his records be specially marked out in baseball's official encyclopedias, we will have at last disclosed the full truth of the matter to the people.
Our inquiry will not be limited to the distant past. We are more than ready to investigate the drug scandals of the last 20 years, as well, and we will be bold in our questioning. Why, for instance, was Tony Gwynn able to hit .356 from age 34 through the end of his career? How exactly did Greg Maddux pitch 200 innings every year for 19 years? Without wishing to judge anyone before the facts are in, I think the natural suspicions most feel toward players like Mr. Gwynn and Mr. Maddux deserve scrupulous investigation of the sort that only a prestigious blue ribbon panel can provide.
To that end, I would like to congratulate Commissioner Bud Selig. Yesterday, the Associated Press reported that he asked Yankees first baseman Jason Giambi to cooperate with the Mitchell Commission, a blue ribbon panel nearly as prestigious as the Marchman Commission. He explained that he has deferred a decision on whether to discipline Mr. Giambi for recent public statements that might be taken as an admission of drug use, and that he will take Mr. Giambi's level of cooperation into account when determining whether he will in fact punish the player.
While to some this might seem redolent of low-grade mafioso tactics, or even blackmail, we applaud Commissioner Selig for his righteous commitment to justice. There is no better way to clear the air regarding the Ruth and Gwynn scandals, and to give a great game the fresh start it deserves, than to strongarm players who speak candidly into cooperating with investigations headed by esteemed statesmen like Senator Mitchell and myself. So long as it's used while attempting to subpoena private medical records and repeatedly ignoring the requests of the players' legal representatives and union that all dealings with players be arranged through them, this tactic can do a lot to foster the mutual respect among all parties that the game needs to move past this time of travail.
In a spirit of solidarity with the public, Commissioner Selig, and Senator Mitchell, I would strongly encourage all players to cooperate with representatives of the Marchman Commission. We ask little from these great athletes — a bit of their time, a bit of candor, complete medical records dating to their entry into professional baseball, and any information they have on teammates who may have used substances including, but not limited to ground sheep testicles, human growth hormone, and Dianabol.
I would also strongly encourage the commissioner himself to feel free to use the same tactics he's used in asking players to cooperate with the Mitchell investigation in steering players toward our investigation, which is, frankly — and I say this in all modesty — at least as credible and prestigious. While no one can force Major League Baseball to cooperate with our inquiries and encourage others to do so, it hopefully goes without saying that to refuse to do so could only reflect badly on the good sense and good breeding of the game's several poobahs and big-wigs, and thus perhaps cost the game itself in good will and the respect of the fans.
All of us — esteemed statesmen, players, big-wigs, and fans alike — want nothing more than for baseball to move on. The best way to do that is to conduct a long, thorough, secretive investigation headed by a universally respected figure like Senator Mitchell or Mr. Bear, and to eventually issue a report confirming, once and for all, what everyone already knows about players like Babe Ruth and Greg Maddux. I thank the public and the great game of baseball for their support, and look forward to concluding our investigation in a timely and comprehensive fashion. I can be reached at the e-mail address below, and especially look forward to hearing from interested citizens and players who are looking to "narc," as they say, on their friends and peers.
