New York’s Mopiest
This article is from the archive of The New York Sun before the launch of its new website in 2022. The Sun has neither altered nor updated such articles but will seek to correct any errors, mis-categorizations or other problems introduced during transfer.

The Russian guy did it.
Have I ruined the debut episode of “CSI: NY” for everyone? I certainly hope so. It took every bit of stamina I could summon to make it to the end of the pilot episode of what is, without a doubt, the most incomprehensible, unoriginal, and unwatchable show to debut so far this season. I’d be happy to tell you why the Russian guy did it, if I had the slightest clue. But I don’t, and you won’t, either. This is television at its absolute worst – and that includes “CSI Miami,” which has the panache and sophistication of “Upstairs, Downstairs” by comparison with this egregious, endless hour.
The episode’s premise, as near as I could make out, is that Detective Mack “Mac” Taylor, a New York City crime scene detective (played by the otherwise wonderful actor Gary Sinise) who hasn’t gotten enough sleep, suspects that the two female bodies found within hours of each other may be the work of a serial killer. The women have died in gruesome ways that make him morose; indeed, Detective Taylor doesn’t crack a smile for the entire episode, even when the idiotic script would seem to demand it. (“Someone out there is missing a wife,” Detective Taylor says upon discovering a wedding ring on the first corpse’s body.) Nor does anyone else. The cops of “CSI.” couldn’t be more miserable, perhaps because the crime they’ve been assigned to solve is absurd, and its resolution provides no closure. It wraps up so fast you’ll barely realize who did it, and you’ll never know exactly why.
It seems that the Russian guy – a doctor – now works as a New York City cabdriver, and nabs his victims for the purpose of “imprisoning” them in their own bodies through some medical maneuver that keeps them alive and blinking. It’s a form of torture known as – well, I could tell you if I cared enough to rewind and replay the medical terms tossed our way by the New York City coroner, a former surgeon whose uncanny knowledge of obscure conditions enables the episode to wrap itself up without any logical explanation. Even the show’s final shot – a visit to Ground Zero by Detective Taylor, still in mourning over the death of his wife on September 11 – adds nothing to the storyline except more confusion.
Among its myriad flaws, foremost in my mind was the failure of “CSI: NY” to integrate New York City into its premise. Oh, mention was made of the Chrysler Building and other landmarks, and the show’s opening featured the now ritualistic chopper shot of Midtown Manhattan. But otherwise there’s nothing about “CSI: NY” that couldn’t have been filmed on a Hollywood soundstage – and nothing about its characters to give it the flavor of New York. Sadly, Mr. Sinise brings little to the series besides his trademark Chicago twang, and his partner, Melina Kanakaredes, adds nothing beyond an impressively curly head of hair to the part of Detective Stella Bonasera. The two of them are saddled with the sorriest dialogue ever given to actors playing New York City cops.
“Why, Stella,” Mr. Sinise asks his partner, trying to unravel the killer’s motive, “why does he do it?”
“It’s diabolical,” she replies. “It’s calculated. It’s personal.”
I just don’t get it. What’s the point of kicking off a series with a serial killer the oldest cliche in the book and then assigning him a motive so obscure and irrelevant that we don’t even care? The only tension in “CSI: NY” is wondering when Mr. Sinise will ever get any sleep. The two lead characters’ chemistry with one another is shockingly nonexistent and the tensions between them manufactured and silly. At one point, Ms. Kanakaredes actually chides Mr. Sinise for not saying “good morning” to her. What happens in episode two does Mr. Sinise neglect to tuck his shirt in properly?
If “CSI: NY” fails to earn the ratings bump that’s been predicted by every network handicapper in Hollywood, it will restore my faith in humanity, or at least the portion of it that watches television on Wednesday nights at 10 p.m. It’s sad to see CBS earn kudos for the most promising fall schedule of the four biggest broadcast networks, when their “new” shows offer nothing original. This isn’t just a knockoff; it’s a ripoff. Don’t let CBS steal a minute of your valuable time with this trash.
***
I wish I could tell you that the NBC alternative to “CSI: NY” on Wednesday nights had something more thrilling to offer, but the first two episodes of the new season of ” Law & Order” (airing consecutively, beginning at 9 p.m.) weren’t exactly crackling with suspense. At least “Law & Order” demonstrates a legitimate connection to New York through its use of real city locations, but so far the show is drawing too heavily on issues at the expense of good stories. The first one – a polemic on the war in Iraq – drags on incessantly as the characters debate foreign policy instead of evidence; the second, better episode uses the premise of the remarrying World Trade Center widows (first featured in New York Magazine) to more compelling effect. The arrival of Dennis Farina as Detective Joe Fontana wasn’t quite the disaster we “Law & Order” fanatics feared, but he’s no Lennie Briscoe. I guess I like my TV police detectives lean and laconic.