Few ballparks demand as little of an outfielder as Chicago’s Wrigley Field. With seating jutting up against both foul lines, short alleys, and a symmetrical wall blissfully free of the forced quirkiness found in many modern parks, the biggest challenge for most players is keeping the ground rules straight. As long as you can remember that a ball that disappears into the ivy lining the wall is a double, that a ball that comes out of the ivy is in play, and that if you root around in the ivy you can find hidden baseballs and thus turn a double into an out, you should be fine. Moises Alou, one of the great rag-arms of modern times, has pegged runners at home from left field in Wrigley, and the Cubs haven’t notably suffered on defense when playing a variety of designated hitters and second basemen in the outfield in recent years.

Picking among outfielders should be easy for a Cubs manager: Figure out which guys can hit, and place them where they’re least likely to injure themselves. These beings the Cubs, of course, they’ve managed to botch it, providing one of the more ludicrous spectacles of the young season.

The story started this winter, when the team signed Alfonso Soriano to a huge 8-year, $136 million contract without deciding which position they wanted him to play. Soriano is a competent left fielder and at least theoretically capable of playing second base, but his speed and powerful arm seem to make him best suited to play center field, especially since playing the position at Wrigley isn’t especially demanding. So, Soriano spent the spring learning the position and entered the season with an “8” next to his name on the lineup card, though with various caveats and hedges.

This all made enough sense, as did the Cubs’ outfield picture more generally. In left, they had Matt Murton, a good if unexceptional young right-handed hitter with no particular defensive talents, and in right they had Jacque Jones, a good if unexceptional veteran left-handed hitter capable of playing center. Jones can’t hit left-handed pitching, so the ideal solution was clear. The team would need to pick up a competent fourth outfielder able to handle all three outfield positions, ideally one who could hit lefties a bit. Nothing terribly complicated, one would think.

What the Cubs instead did was sign native Chicagoan Cliff Floyd to an incentive-laden deal. With all respect to the wonderful Floyd, a worse fit could not be imagined. Floyd has problems with injuries and defense and can’t hit left handed pitching, and additionally is a good hitter and a respected veteran who rightly expects to play fairly regularly when healthy. Basically, he is the exact opposite of what the Cubs need.

Still, one would think that if Soriano injured himself, the Cubs wouldn’t find themselves in a fix: They could move Jones to center and Murton to right, and play Floyd in left. All three are quality major league regulars, and Wrigley is capable of nullifying some of the effects of a less than ideal defensive alignment. These being the Cubs, of course, when Soriano pulled his hamstring last week, they called up top prospect Felix Pie, a highly touted center fielder, and installed him as a regular, pointing out that he needs to play every day. This left them with four regular outfielders, and only one — the weakest hitter among them — assured of regular playing time. Predictably enough, Pie, who could use some more seasoning, was 3-for-22 going into last night’s game against the Brewers.

With Soriano back in the picture as of last night, and with the Cubs having at long last sort of settled on a position for him — left field — the outfield situation has gone from not being terribly complicated to utterly ridiculous. The $136 million man needs to play every day, as does Pie. That leaves three quality regulars for one outfield position, none of whom is suited for reserve duty for various reasons — but carrying five outfielders leaves the Cubs with a choice between carrying only one infield reserve or maintaining an 11-man staff, to which manager Lou Piniella vociferously objects. All of these problems can be undone by demoting Pie and moving Jones to center, but then Pie will have been called up to the majors only to fail, which won’t destroy his career or confidence but certainly won’t help.

If all of this seems absurd, that’s because it is. The Cubs, in their typical fashion, have found clouds within their silver lining, and turned opportunity into crisis. Having good players should not be a problem. Effort is needed to make it so. Even now, more comedy is promised; the Cubs aren’t sure whether Soriano will play permanently in left or simply do so until his leg is healed up. People wonder why the American League is so much stronger than the National League. There is probably a systemic answer that revolves around the amount of money the Yankees and Red Sox spend, but I think a huge contributing factor is that the Cubs, a team with all the same natural strengths as the Red Sox and one that by all rights should win 90 games every single year, are run by nitwits. Soriano is a dynamite player; I hope someone figures out where he’s supposed to play by the end of the season.