Readers, it’s time for a contest.

I’ve been sitting comfortably at the local coffee shop for near on an hour now, trying to think of some way to impress upon you fully the indescribable awfulness of the Kansas City Royals. Many of you, of course, saw the thrashing they endured at the hands of the Yankees last week; bear in mind that those were among the Royals’ better performances of the young season.

The team is 2-12 entering Friday night’s game against the Cleveland Indians, and whether out of curiosity or perversity, I’ve gone out of my way to catch the team play whenever I’ve had the chance. Nothing can quite capture their sheer ludicrous charm. Quite literally, I think you’d see better baseball out of several triple-A teams, were they promoted to the majors, soccer-style.

To concentrate the minds of baseball fandom, I offer incentives. Drop me an e-mail predicting what the Royals’ record will be at the end of May, when they will have played 53 games. As a tiebreaker, predict the number of Royals hitters who will have at least 100 at-bats with an on-base average of at least .300. The winner will receive a spiffy Kansas City Royals hat, an autographed copy of “The Big Book of Baseball Blunders,” the new title from redoubtable ESPN.com columnist and long-suffering Royals fan Rob Neyer, and the honor that comes with having shown that it’s impossible to overestimate how bad this team is.

Consider, before you dash off that e-mail, that through the end of May the Royals will face the Indians seven times, the A’s and Tigers six times, the Twins five times, and the Yankees, Cardinals, Orioles, and defending World Champion White Sox three times apiece. It’s unfair! If Bud Selig were alive, he’d do something about this.

Consider some facts, as well. Apart from “ace” Scott Elarton, who’s miraculously posted a 4.07 ERA through four starts (he’s 0-4, of course), the Royals’ rotation has run up a 7.48 ERA. Four Royals have pitched at least five innings with ERAs of 11.68 or above.

The team’s best pitcher, Zack Greinke, has just returned to extended spring training, having temporarily quit baseball due to a severe, if unspecified, emotional disorder that causes him to panic around crowds. In a recent interview, Greinke described punching his car in a furious fit of rage and crying himself to sleep when he heard that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were divorcing. Seriously. I’m not making light of his plight, just suggesting that you not lay any money down on the chances he’ll get it together enough to be a good pitcher.

The pitching has been the strength of the team. Nine Royals hitters currently have 30 or more at-bats. Seven have on-base averages of .291 or below; the other two clock in at .314 and .315.The team’s two best players, center fielder David DeJesus and designated hitter Mike Sweeney, are hitting .167 and .125, respectively. The Royals have hit as many home runs as Albert Pujols.

Sure, it’s early. But this team stinks worse than the 1989 Indians – you know, the team that featured Roger Dorn, Jake Taylor, Ricky “Wild Thing”Vaughn, and Willie Mays Hayes. Their left fielder, Emil Brown, can’t pick up ground balls. Again, I mean this literally.

Help is not on the way. Justin Huber, probably their fourth- or fifth-best hitter, is in Triple-A. Unfortunately, he can only play first and DH, and between Sweeney and the immortal Doug Mientkiewicz, the Royals can’t find room for him. Third baseman Alex Gordon, the no. 2 overall pick in last summer’s draft and the consensus best college hitter available, is knocking the cover off the ball in Double-A. Unfortunately, Mark Teahen, one of the few Royals who resembles a young major league ballplayer with potential (if you squint), plays third. That’s pretty much it.

Is this the worst team in major league history? In the sense that today’s Royals, if put in a time machine, would probably thump the 1927 Yankees, no. In any other sense, quite possibly. Consider that if they win one game in each series through the end of May – an improbable feat – they’ll be 14-39, on pace for a 43-119 record that would leave them one game off the 1962 Mets’ mark of 120 losses. That’s if they improve, and manage to win one-third of their games against the likes of the White Sox, Yankees, and Cardinals.

How does a team get this bad? Lots and lots of hard work. You have to draft badly, develop badly, and pick free agents badly. You have to manage your roster badly. You have to run down talented young players and fiddle with them until they can no longer do well what got them to the majors in the first place. You have to be not merely cheap, but stingy. And you have to be dedicated.

So take all that into account, take your best shot, and send those predictions this way. The winner will be announced June 1 in this space, where we’ll review the Royals’ progress on their way to what I suspect will be a season of truly historic scale. Good luck to all!

tmarchman@nysun.com