So far as I’m concerned, the real Major League All-Star Game tonight will not be the one taking place in Pittsburgh. It will not star Jason Bay and Derek Jeter; neither Brad Penny nor Kenny Rogers will be starting; and neither my reason nor my sense will be assaulted by the idiotic pomp of a pair of announcers shilling some race-baiting Fox sitcom.

Instead, Fernando Valenzuela will throw the first pitch of the game to Willie Randolph. Checked-swing rollers will easily result in inside-the-park home runs, batters will strike out swinging at 37-mph fastballs and knuckleballs bouncing off the plate, every home run will set off fireworks, and the game will be over in about 15 minutes — to be followed by an epic Red Sox-Mets showdown.

For those unfortunate few among you for whom none of this sets off any bells, I’ll be playing RBI Baseball, the one great gaming masterpiece that lends some small amount of credibility to the argument that video game design is an art form. Released in 1988 by Tengen to instant worldwide acclaim and massive commercial success, RBI Baseball does suffer from certain technical shortcomings compared to more contemporary games.

One can only play, for instance, as one of the eight teams that made the playoffs in 1986 or 1987, or as an All-Star team comprised of players who didn’t play on any of those teams.The game exists in its own place in the space-time continuum, as some teams have their 1986 statistics, some their 1987, and some have numbers, skills, and accomplishments they never had at all — Tony Armas with 49 home runs? Al Pedrique an All-Star starter? Juan Berenguer throwing 103 mph? — which of course just adds to the charm.

The game is a model of economy. Each team has eight starters, a fourman bench, a two-man rotation, and two relievers. Every player is orange and looks exactly the same, save for legendary reliever Steve Bedrosian, who throws sidearm. Every defensive player has exactly the same skills, every pitcher basically the same arsenal (though some can throw harder or curve the ball more than others), every hitter the same swing.

Ignorant worshippers of useful novelty and futurism might deride the game for this and thrust a Playstation at you, on which you can play a game in which every player is modeled on real scouting reports, represented with photorealistic imagery, and in which the ball bounces around according to the laws of applied physics. That Playstation can go right out the window; RBI Baseball is the only game worth playing.

This is not to say that technology does not have its role in baseball gaming.The rise of powerful personal computers has actually improved on perfection.

The first is that the mysterious inner workings of the game have been revealed for all. Every serious RBI player knows, for example, that when playing with Boston you have to pinch-hit Ellis Burks for Marty Barrett at leadoff and Tony Armas for Bill Bucker in the twohole (though there is dispute over whether one should bat Armas leadoff and Burks in the two-hole; I’m agnostic) because they will both hit home runs for you.

Frighteningly detailed analysis of the game engine available at deenee.com/rbi reveals that there is, indeed, a pinch-hitting bonus applied to a player’s power rating; this is why the powerful Burks and Armas nearly always knock one out of the park their first time up. The reverse-engineering analysis also rates every player in the game according to their power, speed, and contact ratings, and every pitcher according to his speed and command of his breaking stuff.

This sabermetric approach to the game has its flaws; it appears, for instance, that there is no rating in the game engine for clutch performance, but I don’t buy it. Personally I know clutch when I see it, and I know that Gary Carter is clutch. It also appears that there is no difference at all between pitchers’ hitter ratings, but I know for a fact that National League pitchers hit better than American League ones do, obviously because they have more practice at it.

The second improvement on the game is that you can now play it on the subway or airplane if you want, due to the rise of the emulator and the rom. Most anyone who would use one already knows what they are — basically,assuming one already owns a legally purchased game cartridge, one can maintain a backup copy on one’s computer for personal use. Given the undemanding controls of the game, it’s a natural fit for keyboard play; the up arrow and the “S” key are as fine a way to order Dwight Gooden to spin a knuckleball as anything else, and by using the right key, one can direct that knuckler into the ribs of the enemy batter as easily as one could using the direction pad on the old Nintendo controller.

Still better than this, though, is that great men with far too much time on their hands have made available dozens of modified versions of the game. Want to play the 2005 Red Sox against the 2005 Yankees? No problem.At the aforementioned Web site you can find pretty much anything you want, from versions pitting the best teams of the 1970s against one another to a version featuring all-time Negro League greats to one in which you can play in the 1979 Mexican League (really). I’m just unimaginative enough to want a fairly current version, so the 2005 mod sits well with me; as you read this I’ll probably be controlling Albert Pujols and facing off against Johan Santana,who has as nasty a curveball as Jimmy Key did in the original and a much better fastball.

How has RBI Baseball endured so well? It’s a testament to the great power of simplicity. Any game involving 48 different button combinations and scouting reports really isn’t worth the bother; video games should not be work. There are also its wonderful physics and internal logic; you may be throwing your 45-mph fastballs 12 feet outside, but the hitters will swing at them, and hit them if you miss your spots.

It all has the feel of baseball a hundred times more than anything with a polygon generator. Also, the original game captures baseball right before it went over the edge with offense, when a .257 hitter with 23 home runs was feared as a dangerous threat and Jose Uribe as a viable leadoff hitter. (Sort of; he’s clearly the worst leadoff man in the game, as bad as Alan Trammell is good.) Skip the infomercial tonight and take a whack at Bert Blyleven’s untouchable curveball; it thankfully won’t count for anything.

tmarchman@nysun.com