Helllllooo, rewrite? This is Swifty. I’m at the Derby. Yeah, the Kentucky Derby. What d’ya mean how do you spell Kentucky? The same way you always spell it, Cantucky. Yeah. Well, you spell it, then. Yeah, the Derby. D-u-r-b-y. Get this, there’s a nag in the race named Journalism. Yeah. J-o-i-n-a-l-i-s-m. Now stay with me. They’re in the gate … aaaaaand they’re off.

They’re out of the gate, and it’s Journalism in the lead, with Publisher — no I’m not making this up — second. Then, in the center of the track, Grammar are third, followed by Who and Whom. Scoop is holding steady at sixth. What d’ya mean Scoop can’t be sixth? He is Sixth. No, hold it honey. Journalism has reared up and is running back to the starting gate to look for his blasted notebook.

They’re thundering now and into the Clubhouse Turn, where it’s Correction moving up into the lead. Wait a minute, Toots. It’s not Correction that’s moving up. It’s Circulation that is moving up in the center of the track, followed by Insert seventh. Correction is now Sixth. Hold it, Sweetheart, make that Seventh. And Libel is eighth, followed by Off-the-Record, Apology, Actual Malice, and Settlement coming up fast.

They’re on the backstretch now, and here is the race, folks. It’s Publisher in the lead but fading followed by Grammar, with Whom and Who trading places, and Scoop, stuck in fourth, Correction fifth, and Circulation Sixth followed by Insert, Libel, Apology, and, last, Settlement. Wait, I see ’em. Leading from the rear is Oxymoron! followed by Ethics, Exaggeration, Plagiarism, and Spelling. Yeah, S-p-e-l-i-n-g. Deadline is last.

And they’re on the backstretch and moving at a blazing pace with Profits fading and, just in front of Scooo … hold it, Scoop has made a sudden move. He’s going to the outside and has put his nose out. The jockey has pulled on his goggles. And Scoop is going for the lead. They are thundering past the three-quarters mark, and Deep Throat is almost at the end of the pack, just ahead of Profits, now last as they hurtle toward the far turn.

They’re at the top of the stretch, and Scoop is moving onto the rail just behind Correction third — no, fourth — and Misplaced Modifier is falling behind. That leaves Scoop second by a length with Libel third and Damages. They are coming down the stretch now, Journalism limping but he’s got his notebook. Aaaand Scoop takes it in a walk, followed by Journalism second and Pure Fiction third.