“THE AMITYVILLE HORROR”
R, 90 mins.

From the brain trust that gave us “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” remake comes “The Amityville Horror” remake. Let’s be honest: The original was nothing more than an overwrought television movie that made $87 million based on a title card at the front reading, “A true story.”

The new Lutz family is a bunch of heartwarming blue-collar strivers, and George Lutz (Ryan Reynolds from “Van Wilder”) is the new daddy whose presence is stressing out the brood of his young wife, Kathy (Melissa George from “Alias”). What they’re in need of is a very special episode of “Extreme Home Makeover,” but what they get is a real-estate deal: a two story beauty on waterfront property for a low, low price (which the film, coyly, never discloses).

The only catch, of course, is that the previous tenants were wiped out by their son, Ronny, who went wacko. The Lutzes, demonstrating that they may actually be New Yorkers, pause for two whole seconds before they sign the mortgage. At this point we find out that the house is haunted. Twenty-eight days later the Lutzes take off, never to return.

The problem is that the house is too nice and the scares are too weak. There’s a few jumps, a swarm of flies, and icky maggots in the walls, but it’s nothing you wouldn’t see on “Fear Factor” and there you’d probably have to eat the maggots. Most of us would gladly put up with all this, and worse, for a house this fabulous. Did you see the size of that bathroom?

The real freak show is the Lutz family. I almost screamed when the screen proclaimed “Day 1” and the Lutzes had already unpacked their entire house. The cast is not only efficient at unpacking; they’re also suspiciously free of body fat. It’s like watching a bunch of Maria Shriver clones.

I just sat there waiting for another shot of the “For Sale” sign, so I could jot down the realtor’s info.

– Grady Hendrix

HOUSE OF D
PG-13, 97 mins.

“House of D” opens awkwardly, with a wordy, rambling sermon delivered via voiceover in an unconvincing monotone by David Duchovny. Mr. Duchovny plays Tom Warshaw, an American artist who has lived in Paris for the past three decades. Tonight, his son’s 13th birthday, he plans to confess to his family a secret he’s been hiding for 30 years. Don’t get excited. This isn’t all that interesting. The majority of “D” is a schmaltzy flashback of a coming-of-age set in Greenwich Village in the 1970s, with all the usual cliches and eccentric characters you might expect to find.

Young Tom (Anton Yelchin) lives with his pill-popping mother (Tea Leoni), with whom he shares a borderline creepy closeness (he sleeps underneath her bed). He spends his time with his best friend, the mentally challenged Pappass (Robin Williams), who is both the assistant janitor at Tom’s private school and a fellow deliveryman at the butcher shop where Tom also works. The film – which Mr. Duchovny also wrote and directed – takes its title from the local Women’s Detention center where Tom is dispensed love advice by – wouldn’t you know it? – a world-weary hooker with a heart of gold (Erykah Badu).

It’s tricky to play the mentally challenged without seeming patronizing, and for the most part Mr. Williams does a good job, although there are times (particularly in the closing 15 minutes) where it appears Pappass can turn his disability on and off at will. Mr. Yelchin holds the film together, despite his one-dimensional character and relative inexperience, with an impressive natural screen presence, and Ms. Leoni washes away much of the bad will she accrued with “Spanglish.”

Mr. Duchovny though, is stilted and pedantic in his scenes, seemingly uncomfortable performing his own dialogue. “House of D” goes to some dark places late in its second act – when Tom suffers a heavy loss – and that makes a welcome break from the corny nostalgia served up until then. But it doesn’t make up for it.

– Edward Goldberger

IT’S ALL GONE PETE TONG
R, 90 mins.

The darkly comic mockumentary “It’s All Gone Pete Tong” follows world-famous DJ Frankie Wild (Paul Kaye) who gets bogged down in heavy drug abuse and subsequently begins to lose much of his hearing. The film starts out dreary and irritating, before turning on a dime halfway through and finishing up surprisingly strong.

The title is cockney slang for “It’s all gone wrong,” though the real Pete Tong does appear briefly. The film at first seems to be imitating “Requiem for a Dream” – the result is a good-looking, but disjointed blur. Once Frankie has gone completely deaf, however (after a mishap with his hearing aide), the film evolves into something more rewarding. Frankie shuts himself out of the world for a year, and, when he resurfaces, he begins to find redemption by learning to read lips, eventually (and improbably) he re-enters the music world despite his deafness.

Writer/director Michael Dowse confidently handles these thematic changes without making his film sentimental and maintains a dark and sly comic tone throughout. What starts out as a typical film about drug addiction ends up as something altogether more original and satisfying.

– Edward Goldberger

SHORT CUT TO NIRVANA
unrated, 99 mins.

Every 12 years somewhere between 30 million and 70 million people come together near Allahabad, India for the Kumbh Mela, a religious festival of mind-boggling size and scope. “Short Cut to Nirvana” comprehensively chronicles the 2001 festival, billed as the biggest gathering of people in human history.

Codirected by Maurizio Benazzo and Nick Day, the documentary follows a handful of swamis and gurus, as well as a few just-graduated Americans to provide a western point of view, which is probably unnecessary. The film is perfectly accessible, and frequently surprising.

For a festival that has been going on for over 2,000 years, Kumbh Mela is far from mired in tradition. It has even opened itself up to technology, such as a kiosk that offers Internet service for anyone who might need it. The one real failing of the film is that it does not do much to explain the Hindu philosophies that drive so many to this place.

– Edward Goldberger