“I am taking charge of the surcharge.” During a bank heist gone wrong, an innocent bystander named Jinx (Nick Stahl) finds himself in a position to strike back against the “corporate convenience criminals” responsible for ATM fees and other petty tariffs of modern life. But like everyone else in the pretentious Internetage thriller “How To Rob a Bank,” the new film by Andrew Jenkins that begins a run of midnight screenings tonight at the IFC Center, Jinx spends most of his time reciting lines (most of them into a cell phone) from a bankrupt script that’s trying too hard to be clever. Having fled into the vault during the holdup, Jinx is locked inside with a master computer and a comely code-breaker (Erika Christensen) who doesn’t seem all that upset that Jinx has tied her up and taken her hostage. Stuck in the lobby, the heist team’s captain, Simon (Gavin Rossdale), is simmering over the fact that some little punk stands between him and his money. “What we have here is a symbiotic relationship,” he informs Jinx through gritted teeth. “You want out, and I want in.” He also apparently wants to use as many SAT words as possible — but then again, so does everyone involved.

As the cops close in, someone on the inside finds a reason to name-check the “theory of psychoanalysis.” A mysterious caller provides Jinx and Jessica with a way to get out of their pickle, prompting her to hold forth on “the exploding noema. It’s the theory about the moment you can’t reconcile the difference between your perception of what should be versus the reality of what is” — surely the first time a movie has invoked Husserl as a means of announcing a plot twist.

Mr. Stahl’s bumbling but strangely savvy hero is the only watchable character. Mr. Rossdale, better known as the husband of Gwen Stefani and the lead singer of the former rock band Bush, does not make the pill-popping bad guy nearly as exciting as he should be. And Ms. Christensen’s coy eyebrow-raising gets old fast. The high-strung police officer trying to contain the situation from outside (Terry Crews) is, quite simply, not funny.

Filmed in cool tones of gun-metal and blue and flashing a few zippy edits, “How To Rob a Bank” fails to throw any sparks through its thick wall of dialogue. Suspense doesn’t really enter the picture. More pressing is the question of how Mr. Jenkins came up with certain lines, such as the “first-class pass to ass class in the federal penitentiary” that the heist’s mastermind (David Carradine) threatens to issue a lackey.

The hot air circulating within the sealed vault reaches critical mass the moment Jinx and Jessica, having hatched a new plan, launch into a carpe diem exchange about sticking it to life’s frustrations. At this point, a semester of ass class might actually be preferable.

Showing Fridays and Saturdays at midnight (323 Sixth Ave. at West 3rd Street, 212-924-7771).