Shatner Boldly Goes to the Roast

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The New York Sun

LOS ANGELES — He has already lived long and prospered, but the deliciously brutal comedians at the Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner on Sunday were more focused on the jokeworthy facts that “Captain Kirk” wears a hairpiece, has married four times, has given some famously awful musical performances, has prostituted himself as a spokesman for any company willing to pay, and, compared to his “Star Trek” days, has put on a few pounds for his current role on “Boston Legal.”

“Are you on Boston Legal or Boston Market?” asked comedian Jeffrey Ross, one of 13 roasters who took turns lampooning Mr. Shatner, 75, for the show, which airs August 20.

Comedy Central makes a big deal of these once-a-year roasts, carefully choosing well-known figures who can withstand the abuse heaped on every aspect of their lives, personalities, and bodies. Last year’s Pamela Anderson roast won its time slot that night, a rare feat for a show on basic cable.

Because Mr. Shatner’s television career spans the original “Twilight Zone,” “Star Trek,” “T.J. Hooker,” and his current show, there was plenty of material to work with — and for much of the evening, the roasters did so ably. But Mr. Shatner is also well-loved, and those good feelings bubbled to the surface often enough to slightly undercut

an evening that was funniest when it was meanest.

The show opened with a pre-taped bit in which Mr. Shatner pretended to phone Leonard Nimoy (who played Spock in the original “Star Trek” and did not attend the roast), asking him to appear. Mr. Nimoy refuses, saying he doesn’t want to be mean to Mr. Shatner. “Live long and prosper,” Mr. Nimoy tells him.

Mr. Shatner, on the other end of the phone, rolls his eyes.Then, thinking Mr. Nimoy has hung up, he curses him. “Pointy-eared p____,” he says, using a slur word for the female anatomy. Nimoy overhears and they start cursing each other.

After that, Mr. Shatner rode in to the studio on a big white horse, dismounted at the front of the stage, nestled into the original captain’s chair from the Starship Enterprise, and prepared to be roasted. Jason Alexander, the evening’s host, began.

“That chair fits you like your girdle from Seasons 2 and 3,” the former “Seinfeld” co-star said.

Although most of the roasters shied away from being deeply vicious to Mr. Shatner, they did not spare each other. Many of the best barbs were saved for George Takei, the deep-voiced actor who played Sulu on the original “Star Trek.” In October 2005, Mr. Takei, now 69, came out of the closet as a gay man. Few comedians don’t love gay jokes.

“George is a brave man to come out a mere 35 years after “Star Trek” — and his career — ended,” Mr. Alexander said sarcastically.

Lisa Lampanelli, the final roaster, turned on Mr. Alexander, who has starred in two cancelled sitcoms since his glory days on “Seinfeld.”

“I was nervous when I heard you were hosting. I thought the roast would be cancelled before they got to me.”

Patton Oswalt aimed his bullets at the most elderly roaster, the still-sharp and classy Betty White. “Betty White, named after the only color that existed when she was born,” he joked

When it was his turn, Mr. Takei embraced the gay jokes made at his and fellow roaster Andy Dick’s expense. “Andy and I have met many times,” Mr. Takei said.”Until now, I’ve never see the front of his head.” Pause. “Ick.”

At last year’s roast, a visibly inebriated Courtney Love, who had supposedly put her substance abuse problems behind her, caught viewers’ attention with an unhinged appearance. This year’s Love was Mr. Dick, the rail-thin comedian with a history of drug abuse, who during the show swigged from the beverages provided by on-stage green-skinned bartenders and at the after-party was guzzling Rolling Rocks and chucking his empties onto the carpeting.

During the show, Mr. Dick thought it would be funny to run up to other comedians while they were doing their roasting and lick their faces. His tongue found it’s way into the side of Ms. Lampanelli’s mouth. Later Nichelle Nichols, who played Uhura on “Star Trek,” managed to fend him off by wrapping Mr. Dick’s head in the shawl attached to her golden dress.

At the end of the show, after Mr. Shatner waved farewell, the star had to physically wrestle Mr. Dick and his extended tongue away from his face, shoving him and throwing elbows. Thankfully, as he so often did on “Star Trek,” Captain Kirk vanquished his attacker — face unlicked.

After the show, a reporter said to Mr. Dick, “I thought you were in recovery.” Mr. Dick responded, “Are you in recovery?” and then threatened to pour his beer on the reporter’s crotch before continuing. “Don’t try to take me to a meeting.”

It takes a lot to survive as long as Mr. Shatner has in show business. He was prepared when it was his turn to respond to the roasters.

“The only thing that hurt me about tonight is that none of you was funny,” Mr. Shatner said.

“Farrah, you really should stay out of the sun,” he jibed, “Your skin looks so much like fried chicken that Nichelle’s mouth is watering.”

What a mess Ms. Fawcett appeared. She seemed to be trying to crawl out of her own skin for much of the night.When she arrived on the red carpet before the event, she squirmed and clung to the arm of a public relations woman as photographers tried to snap pictures.

Onstage, she could barely manage to say the few lines she was assigned. First, Mr. Alexander had to stand next to her to feed her straight lines; then he ended up finishing the punch lines she garbled. Pawing at a gold lame bra strap that kept falling down her left shoulder, Ms. Fawcett needed three takes to aim the following joke at Mr. Shatner without flubbing it: “I really liked your last record: ‘Has Been.’ It was originally titled ‘Has Been Drinking Since Noon.’ “

Ms. Fawcett’s brittle state did not dissuade the comedians from their appointed duty of attacking everyone on the stage.

“I feel a special connection to you, Farrah,” said Ms. White. “I’m in my 80s and that’s the last decade you mattered.”

“Farrah,”said Artie Lange.”You used to be married to the $6 million man. Now $6 million is what you’d have to pay Lee Majors to have sex with you.”

All told, the roast lasted three hours, with Mr. Dick and the actor Kevin Pollack running especially long, but will run at 90 minutes for the broadcast. While the naughty words will be bleeped for TV, Comedy Central’s broadband channel MotherLoad will showcase uncensored clips, and it’s likely that an uncensored DVD will be released eventually, as happened with last year’s Anderson roast.


The New York Sun

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