‘T’was the Night Before Christmas,
And all Round the Floor,
The traders were huddled,
Wishing for More…

More mergers, more deals,
More trades that work out;
Higher fees, longer lockups.
They started to shout

“Too many funds
Are crowding our space;
This small fund exemption
Keeps them all in the race.

“We need tougher regs
Or perhaps none at all.
Let’s talk this thing over,
Give Donaldson a call!

“We’ll tell him tough times
Are squeezing our pay,
We’re having to sell
Our G-4s on EBay!

“We need more trends,
And Volatility and stuff;
This “beating the market”
Has become all too tough.

“It’s true that we earn
One percent by just breathing;
But twenty percent of nothing
Is nothing!” They were seething.

And then they had
A Really Big Thought.
Of how to return
to the profits they sought.

“Aha! They exclaimed,
“we’ll cause the dollar to fail.
We’ll start a grim rumor
That the country’s for sale.

“We’ll drive down the greenback,
We’ll short it and wait.
The Feds won’t catch on
Til it’s really too late.
“We’ll sit back and watch
And just let it slide,
We’ll get Chanos and Levin
To come in on our side.

“Yes, indeed, it will tumble
The euro will soar.
The yen’ll climb higher,
We’ll make it fall more.

“The buyers of Benzes
and Sonys and such
Will cry “Make it stop!”
“It’s really too much!”

“We’ll offer up data
That explains the big plunge.
The pundits will soak
It up like a sponge.

“The trade balance will do,
The numbers are grim.
Peterson says spending
Is over the brim.

“We’ll get Krugman to add
To the general gloom.
He’s always quite happy
To forecast our doom.

“We’ll get Soros to go
on a long speaking tour.
He’s rich as a sheik
But always wants more.

“Our consumer is fat and
In debt to his ears.
He can’t rein himself in
We’ll reduce him to tears.

“We’ll spread nasty rumors
That will undermine hope;
We’ll let it be known
That the nation can’t cope.

“Forbes calls us sleazy
And filthy and mean.
We’ll prove that they’re right,”
They said with some spleen.

The traders were happy
The scheme seemed so sound
They knew they could summon
The best minds around.

But while they were mulling
Their most excellent plan
It turned out that not
Everyone there was a fan.

All at once there was heard
An unusual sound.
A worry was voiced.
A conscience was found.

“But wait just a second
Are we really that greedy?
Doesn’t Hedge Funds Care
Help those that are needy?

“It’s Christmas time!
Doesn’t that matter?
Do we all really need
Our bank accounts fatter?”

The silence was deep
As all thought it out.
They thought of the families
And friends they would rout.

They were, in fact, chastened
And feeling some guilt
That greed had consumed
The business they’d built.

Then they all had a second
Really Big Thought.
“Hey! Let’s give to the poor
These monies we’ve sought!

“We’ll do some good works
And make ourselves proud.”
Their excitement was great,
They worked up the crowd.

So they went back to work,
With massive intent
They propped up the dollar
Wherever they went.

They donated hugely
To every big cause.
Hedge Funds took over
From old Santa Claus.

They earned many fans
And were widely lauded
And even the press,
for once, applauded.

So 2005 arrived as
The funds showed good cheer;
It promised to be
A Happy New Year.

Ms. Peek is a former managing director at Wertheim-Schroeder, now a part of Citigroup.