Joseph Biden’s Presidential Oath

This article is from the archive of The New York Sun before the launch of its new website in 2022. The Sun has neither altered nor updated such articles but will seek to correct any errors, mis-categorizations or other problems introduced during transfer.

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NY Sun
NEW YORK SUN CONTRIBUTOR

“I, Joseph Biden, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitut . . . well, Mr. Chief Justice, before I go on, let me just mark one point, because shortly before this ceremony it was brought to my attention that the Attorney General has gone and appointed a special prosecutor.

“What that special prosecutor is going to do, Mr. Chief Justice, is look into whether there were any crimes committed during the origins of the Prussia robe. And if I am going to swear this constitutional oath — and this is a big fricking deal, pardon my French — I want it understood that the Constitution commands me — and only me, Mr. Chief Justice — to take care that the laws be faithfully executed.

“Now, I don’t want any misunderstanding about that. It’s my separated power. Mine. No sharing. And I mention that because just the other day it said in the Wall Street Journal that special counsels “aren’t subject to ‘day-to-day supervision’ and can only be removed for ‘misconduct, dereliction of duty, incapacity, conflict of interest, or for other good cause, including violation of department policies.’”

“Now, Mr. Chief Justice, any such regulation is a bunch of malarky. If I’m going to take care that the laws be faithfully extruded, then I’ve got to be able to pick my own staff. Otherwise, I get to pick your law clerks. And every one of them is going to be a different color and gender and one of them will be an illegal alien. So don’t go pissing on my leg. I’m from the armpit of Scranton.

“In other words, I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck. That special procrastinator is going to be working his way up to the January 5, 2017, meeting where Barack and I launched this whole campaign to dig up dirt on President Trump. That’s what led to Donald being saddled with a special procrastinator in the first place. That was a completely different situation, though, and you know that well as I do.

“Remember, it was Donald Trump’s own administration that appointed the special proselytizer to investigate him. So he’s got no one to blame but himself. Inexperience, you could call it. That’s one condition I don’t have. I’ve got more experience — Jill, how old am I, anyhow? — more experience than Donald Trump has put together. You weren’t even on the Court when Antonin Silesia dissented in Morrison.

“That’s the dissent where he warned about the special prostituter. A lot of times, he said, an issue like that comes before the court clad in sheep’s clothing. ‘But,’ he said, ‘this wolf comes as a wolf.’ So don’t think I’m going to just sit there and let some special pragmatic ruin my presidency. Now, where was I . . . ?”

“Constitut . . .”

“ . . . ion of the United States. So help me God.”

________

Drawing by Elliott Banfield, courtesy of the artist.

NY Sun
NEW YORK SUN CONTRIBUTOR

This article is from the archive of The New York Sun before the launch of its new website in 2022. The Sun has neither altered nor updated such articles but will seek to correct any errors, mis-categorizations or other problems introduced during transfer.


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