It’s a beautiful day here at Pharmacological Downs, and the horses are in the gate for the first running of the fourth leg of the Quadruple Crown. Injection is in the rail position. The number … [rrrrriiinng] . . .. aaaaand they’re off. And what a start it is. My Upper and Painkiller are nose-to-nose with Picogram third. It’s My Upper, Painkiller, and Picogram in the lead with Injection, trailing just off the rail.

And they’re on the Clubhouse Turn, with Amphetamine fifth, followed by the three great drinking ponies, Just a Sip, Four Roses, and Bottoms Up. Anti-Inflammatory is ninth, with Runny Nose tenth, followed by Hot Hocks and Goodbye Mr. Clean — with High, Wide, and Handsome last, as they’re through the Clubhouse Turn and barreling into the back stretch, where Picogram and Painkiller are battling it out for second.

They’re in the Backstretch now and My Upper is holding the lead as Bottoms Up looks like he’s going to make a night of Four Roses and Just a Sip with Anti-Inflammatory struggling and it’s Goodbye Mr. Clean moving past Hot Hocks and Mr. Needle. But hold your horses, folks, I’ve Got the Jones is making a sudden move. He’s going to the far outside and is coming up fast. Say goodbye to Goodbye Mr. Clean.

It’s thunder on the backstretch now, as they’re at the first three quarters of a mile at 1:09 . . . .right up there with Secretariat’s record in the 1973 Belmont, folks. What a race. It’s a dry track, and a cold wind, and they’re coming up on the big American flag, bigger than the banner that, at the Belmont, briefly obscured Secretariat from the tracking camera when, many believe, God Himself reached down to the track and touched the speeding steed.

But what is going on here and now? They’re out from behind the flag, and Injection, Picogram, and Painkiller are nowhere near the lead. They’ve fallen back! And it looks like Just a Sip, Four Roses, and Bottoms Up are all dried up. Anti-Inflammatory is stumbling, and Hot Hocks and Mr. Needle are stuck behind him. Watch Out Wendy, beware of the bunch-up. Zzzzzap is fighting hard and his jockey is raising his whip arm as Overdose comes up behind him on the rail.

Whoa, Nellie, they’re at the top of the stretch and — good grief — Zzzzzap’s jockey has hit his horse with the electric prod, Zzzzzap has bolted, and it’s a pileup folks. The drinkers are down, Zzzzzap is down, It’s horror in the home stretch! Anti-Inflammatory is running the wrong way. I’ve Got the Jones has jumped the infield fence. And … this is unbelievable … going to the wire all alone — no one to show, no one to place — is It’s in the Shampoo, who wins it in a walk.

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Image: La Course de Cheveaux, collection of the British Museum, via Wikipedia Commons.