LONG BEACH, Calif. — Five wives of presidential candidates took to the stage at a women’s conference here to talk about being mothers and wives in the political maelstrom, but the spouse who could make history as America’s first first husband, President Clinton, was a no-show.

“We invited him to serve coffee,” California’s first lady, Maria Shriver, said yesterday as she moderated the discussion in front of an audience of 14,000 women. “I’m only kidding,” the former broadcaster quickly added.

For about an hour, Ms. Shriver quizzed Ann Romney, Elizabeth Edwards, Michelle Obama, Cindy McCain, and Jeri Thompson about their lives on the campaign trail and how they balance their political activities with their family duties. The novice in the group was Mrs. Thompson, who is married to a former Republican senator from Tennessee who entered the race two months ago, Fred Thompson. While news reports pegged Mrs. Thompson, 41, as triggering a staff shake-up through her hands-on involvement in the campaign, she insisted her attentions have been elsewhere.

“I have a 1-year old,” she said. “That’s my main role. Other than that, I do what I can to help when my [husband] asks me. I’m not even qualified to do any of the other stuff.”

Mrs. Thompson, who has worked as a public relations consultant, did acknowledge putting her foot down on one issue: creating a space on the campaign bus for her to change her son’s diapers. “I said, ‘I’m not going unless you figure out how to do the changing table on the bus.’ And you know what, they did it,” she said.

Asked if she was scared by her new role, Mrs. Thompson said, “Absolutely. … That’s sort of the transition I’m having a little bit of a hard time making.”

The session also allowed the panelists to trade some sisterly advice. When Mrs. Thompson said she feared saying something that might hurt her husband’s campaign, Mrs. Edwards patted her on the knee and said, “No one pays that much attention to us.”

Mrs. Edwards said she tries to build “trust” for her husband, but endeavors not to make news herself. “If I said something that ended up on the front page of Drudge, I didn’t do it right,” she joked.

None of the women acknowledged having any significant involvement in their husbands’ policy stances. Asked if her support for same-sex marriage had budged her husband on that point, Mrs. Edwards said, “I haven’t so far. …
This is not a new opinion of mine.”

Mrs. Romney said she “loved being peripherally involved” in the crafting of her husband’s universal health insurance plan for Massachusetts, an initiative being de-emphasized by his presidential bid at the moment.

Mrs. Romney made the alarming suggestion that the stresses of being a political spouse may have contributed to her affliction with multiple sclerosis and to Mrs. Edwards falling ill with breast cancer. “I truly believe because we are juggling so many balls … and keeping it together for everybody that we forget to take care of ourselves,” Mrs. Romney said.

Mrs. Obama said she tries to campaign only on daytrips so she can return home to see her children each night. Relatives and the parents of her children’s friends are pitching in. “I’m the one they always give ‘plates’ to for the potluck assignment,” she said. “They’ve got my back.”

Mrs. Obama, who is an attorney, said she, too, harbored fears about the race. “You always worry about your life getting sucked out from under you,” she said. “I have been pleasantly surprised.”

Mrs. Edwards and Mrs. McCain have weathered previous unsuccessful presidential campaigns by their husbands, but said they found themselves evolving in different directions in terms of willingness to talk about their private lives. “In 2000, I found myself much more open,” Mrs. McCain said.
“I have now, myself, learned to say, ‘No.'”

Mrs. Edwards said she has decided to be more open, particularly in the wake of her struggle with cancer, which doctors have deemed incurable. “Most of the attention you get is really affirming,” she said.

Mrs. Edwards, who has been criticized for taking time away from her children to campaign, acknowledged that it is hard for her to know how much she is helping her husband. “It’s actually an issue I struggle with all the time,” she said. “Evaluating what that value is is very difficult.”

Mr. Clinton was in Minneapolis yesterday, fund-raising for his wife’s presidential bid. His office referred questions about his nonattendance at the spouses’ event to Mrs. Clinton’s campaign, which refused to comment.

A spokeswoman for the conference, Melissa Nitti, said Mr. Clinton was indeed invited, but cited a scheduling conflict. “He was very interested in attending,” she said.

Mayor Giuliani’s wife, Judith Giuliani, declined an invitation to the forum, the spokeswoman said.

Mrs. Clinton seemed to have a large following in the group, judging by a loud cheer that erupted earlier in the day when a former British prime minister, Tony Blair, said he thought Americans were ready to elect a woman president.