Yo, Guy, now that you surrendered yesterday amid all the reporters and TV cameras and are back in the Slam – only people who’ve never been in call it the slammer – you could use a refresher course on how to survive in there.

By all accounts, you didn’t do so well the first time. All that crying yourself to sleep and writing and calling that old city panel that illegally released you six or seven months early just won’t make it this time.

Mayor Bloomberg dumped the old commission and the new one put you back in, so you’ll get no help there. The courts have gone against you, and unless you find a sympathetic appeals court, you’re in for your whole sentence.

So, this handy little guide – from someone who did a total of 3 1/2 years in a few places way back when – may help you handle jail a little better and, maybe, even learn a little something about yourself.

RULE NO. 1 Do your time like a man. No more crying and complaining. It doesn’t suit someone who was once one of the most powerful members of the state Senate, and it’s certainly not going to help you get along with your fellow convicts. You broke some laws and you have to do your time – and remember, you got a lot less time than you probably deserved. Instead of crying yourself to sleep, try counting trays from the mess hall or the number of people you put in jail with your votes against things like drug reform. Practice looking tough in the mornings when you shave and get dressed.

RULE NO. 2 Don’t be anyone’s Maytag. If someone tosses you a pair of dirty socks or underwear, it’s not be cause they like you: They want you to be their washerboy. The best approach is to toss them right back – not too hard if the guy is huge. The first time I was in, a guy threw me his dirty socks, I threw them back, and he threw them back at me again. I went to my locker, got out a bar of soap, stuffed it into the socks, and threw them – hard – and hit him in the head. That was the end of it.

RULE NO. 3 Act like you own the joint. Fear has a smell all its own, and if the other cons smell fear on you, you’re dead. Don’t be tentative or act scared. Don’t be overly aggressive, but hold your ground.

RULE NO. 4 If you can’t pull off rule no. 3, you can always slug somebody and get thrown into solitary. No one can get you there, and if you behave yourself, a guard may give you something to read to pass the time.

RULE NO. 5 Get to like tuna fish. As you know by now, jail food is inedible; heavy on starches, grease, and mysterious stuff that tastes even worse than it looks. Stock up on tuna and mayo from the commissary, stretch it out with Ritz crackers, and try to get or pay someone to smuggle you some hard-boiled eggs and onions to mix in. You’ll never get tired of it and, anyway, you look like you could stand to lose a few pounds. Do lots of push-ups.

RULE NO. 6 Sharpen up your card games, especially those jailhouse favorites tonk and bid whist, the poor man’s version of bridge. At whist, you’ll need to find a partner you can trust, work out some strategies or secret signals in advance, and give it a go. Make sure you have enough money in your account to pay off any losses. Owing money inside can be unhealthy.

RULE NO. 7 Get to know some of your fellow inmates. It never hurts to be friendly with someone tough and respected who can look out for you a bit. Let jail humble you. Make friends with a couple of young guys who show some smarts and promise. You’d be doing some good if you could use your connections outside to help somebody find a job or finish school and become a law-abiding citizen.

RULE NO. 8 Don’t get too chummy with the guards; people will figure you’re a rat.

RULE NO. 9 One day at a time. A cliche, but true. Be strong today, worry about tomorrow when it comes. Then be strong again. As someone once said, two true tests of character are jail and illness. Let’s see what you’re really made of.

RULE NO. 10 Oh, yeah, another cliche: shower with care. See you in the summer.