The imminent retirement of 78 million baby boomers was a big topic for Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke this week when he spoke to the Senate Budget Committee. An oft-mentioned solution to the problem this poses for the economy is for businesses to hire older workers.

Indeed, I just heard a news report that businesses have discovered their value. But it still will be a hard sell. For businesses have not also discovered the value of actually hiring them.

Here are 10 reasons why companies should not interview an older worker for any professional job whatsoever:

(1) My God, look at his résumé, the guy must be crowding 55.

You’re right. He might come to the office each day, put his head down, and go right to work, ignoring the chances to wander about trying to date co-workers, or to stand around gossiping about all the vital topics of the day, like who’s the bigger doofus, The Donald or The Rosie.

Probably the poor sap would never have to rush home to wipe a sick child’s snotty nose, or beg to leave early to attend his youngster’s soccer game. Statistics on older workers show that he’d hardly ever take a sick day, thus throwing our average in that area to pieces. We can’t have such an anti-social attitude.

(2) He has the wrong corporate experience.

Very astute. Probably he wouldn’t recognize a corporation if he walked smack into its offices, which, given how gaga he must be at his age, is likely. And, of course, other experience is of totally no value to a corporation: That is why corporate boards of directors never take on members from outside the company’s specialty, not wanting to be tainted by the leavening of diverse points of view.

(3) Look at his previous position. He’ll want too much money.

Absolutely. It is unheard of in the history of the Western world for people to leave comfortable employment for personal or professional reasons. And if they ever did, they never would consider working at lower pay simply because the job is more congenial than what they did before. Impossible.

(3) He’s overqualified. He’ll be dissatisfied here.

Don’t you just know it? That’s why your heart sinks when you call for an appliance repairman and some old, experienced fellow shows up. You don’t want him working on a piddling little job like the motor of your washing machine. Nor would he want to, not when he’s taken range-and-oven combinations apart, or looked into the dark heart of European-made freezers. Beneath his dignity.

(5) His experience is not a good fit.

Now you’re talkin’. A quarter-century in practically all aspects of his profession. Relationships with people in the leading outlets in the field. Dealing with the public every working day of his life. What has that to do with what goes on here?

(6) All that time — more than a year — out of the work force, that doesn’t look good. What’s wrong with him?

Nice catch. This résumé gap is what keeps women from going back into the work force after they have taken time out to raise their children. It is what keeps soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines from going back to work after having served their country.

And taking time out to pursue other interests for a while is not healthy. That’s why universities forbid sabbaticals — they might inspire a fresh outlook and new insights that could divert the mind from the narrow task at hand.

(7) He has insufficient supervisory experience.

A most telling point. So he supervised others in his specialty and managed outside, contract workers.

His commissioned or noncommissioned Army experience? How much supervisory savvy can it have taken to motivate soldiers to do unpleasant tasks that their civilian fellow citizens decline to do? What does the Army know about leadership qualities, or evaluating work performance, anyway? Bunch of fascist martinets.

(8) Where’s that lean and hungry look?

What, someone who just wants to work? Someone who’s not scheming for my job, or my boss’s job? Someone who’ll stay with us for years and years? No, he’s obviously dangerously stable. It’d screw up our 30% turnover rate.

(9) Frankly, old guys are a drain on our health insurance.

You know, prostate and all that. They’re just falling apart, and we have enough financial woes covering the illnesses, diseases, accidents, and psychotherapy of the dependent children of our younger workers. And we can’t take a chance that he might, in fact, be a drain on his wife’s health insurance instead.

(10) Attitude.

Be honest now, who wants to hire someone with an attitude that could cook up nine reasons like that?

Mr. Miller, a newspaperman for many years, is a free-lance writer and editor.