The Axis of Evil: Hot Dogs, Toilets and Small Parts

MEMO TO NEW PARENTS:Your infant should never, under any circumstances, sleep on his stomach. If you introduce solids too early to your baby, he might become obese. If you feed your baby honey, there is a chance he might contract botulism. Hot dogs? Make sure they’re sliced lengthwise and horizontally – choking hazard!If your child is riding his bike or scooter, you’d better hurry up and snap on that helmet. And if it’s sunny out, make sure you apply a thick layer of sunscreen – at least SPF 30. And once little Johnny has finished playing in the sandbox (if he is allowed to play in that festering pit of bacteria), make sure to wipe his hands with antibacterial wipes.If your chosen method of transportation is a moving vehicle, though, please ensure that if your child weighs less than 20 pounds he is snapped into a rear-facing, five-point harness. If your child weighs between 20 and 40 pounds, make sure he is in a front-facing, five-point harness. And if your child weighs between 40 and 80 pounds, make sure he is in a booster seat, properly tied in. If for some reason you aren’t sure how to install a certain car seat properly, please proceed to the nearest police station, where an officer will install it for you.Never, ever allow your children to sit in the front seat (airbags, duh), and never allow them to sit in the way back of a station wagon. Haven’t you ever heard of the expression “rear-ended”?Remove all toys from your house if you have a child under the age of 3.You can’t imagine how attractive a Monopoly Jr. hotel piece can appear to a toddler. And while on the subject of toys, now is the time to purchase a special set of screwdrivers dedicated to removing the back of any battery-operated toy. Batteries – you guessed it: Choking hazard!And finally, make sure to clamp your toilets, doors, stairs, cabinets, and drawers so that an IQ of at least 175 is required to open the above-mentioned death traps.In fact, your child will be a whole lot safer if he or she has absolutely no fun at all. The lists and lists of rules governing what’s now considered responsible childrearing seem to prescribe a virtually joyless childhood experience.Don’t get me wrong. I am fully aware of how many lives have been saved by car seats, as well as by the campaign to fight sudden infant death syndrome. Thousands of children die each year from choking on hot dogs, and from having deadly allergic reactions to nuts. And a far greater number of children each year are injured from falling down stairs, choking on small toys, and eating dishwashing powder.It’s just that I think we are forgetting that having children is supposed to be fun. Maddening, exhausting, and frustrating – but fun.Of course, parents must be vigilant about their children’s safety. And maybe regarding our children’s health and security there is no such thing as too much information. But I can’t help but wonder if we parents are scaring ourselves to death.On backcountry roads an hour north of the city, I allow my children to “ride like puppies” in the way back of our station wagon on the way to town. It is the biggest thrill for them. Instead of the normal moaning and groaning that accompanies being strapped into their car seats, they race to the car, jump in, and with the exception of a tremendous amount of giggling, they aren’t heard from again for the duration of the ride.There are endless statistics about how children die in accidents, but no one talks about how our children are impacted by this heightened awareness of life’s daily pitfalls. My oldest son asked me if he was going to die if he ate a peanut butter and honey sandwich. My middle child wants to know why he needs a helmet to ride his tricycle to the park.We’ve become more anxious, and while our children may be safer for all the public awareness campaigns, they also might be missing out on a bit of the fun. Let them jump from the high diving board and ski the double diamond and ride down the big hill. Let them get a few freckles and feel the wind blow through their hair in the old convertible – the one that has no airbags. You have to make each minute count, and that too is an important lesson to pass along to our children.Readers can address their parenting questions to Ms. Berman at sberman@nysun.com.

The Axis of Evil: Hot Dogs, Toilets and Small Parts

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