The first time I allowed my son to cry himself to sleep was agonizing. The only thing that kept me from picking him up was the realization that this process would only be more difficult the next day, the next week, or the next month.

That’s also the message financial literacy advisers want to impress on parents with grown children who rely on them for financial handouts, or a roof over their head.

According to a 2004 CBSNews.com poll, about 65% of recent college graduates live with their parents. In the past two years, Chubb Insurance reports an 11% rise in the number of 21–25 year olds on their parents’ auto-insurance policies. And a 2004 article published by the American Sociological Association reported that two-thirds of Americans in their 20s receive economic assistance from their parents, and 40% in their late 20s also receive support.

Are we helping or hurting our young adults when we support them financially?

“Delayed independence often turns into chronic dependence,” the author of “Raising Financially Fit Kids” (Ten Speed Press), Joline Godrey, said. “The only way to change the status quo may be to change yourself.”

For some parents, especially those who can afford to financially assist their children, the thought of turning their backs on their barely-grown children is difficult. But according to the authors of “The Millionaire Next Door” (Simon & Schuster), Thomas Stanley and William Danko, offering “economic outpatient care” to adult children comes with a hefty price tag — and not just for the parents.

According to the book, adults who receive financial support from their parents tend to save less, carry more credit card debt, invest less, and, often, view their parents’ wealth as being their wealth.

Parents have intense feelings about this subject.

“We’ve raised our kids a certain way, and now, for better or worse, they’re used to a certain lifestyle,” one mother of two children in their 20s said. “We’ve decided to pay our children’s rent. And the rest is up to them. I feel like it’s a middle ground between unrealistically saying, ‘You’re on your own tiger,’ and ‘Don’t worry sweetie, we’ll help you buy whatever you want.'”

For other parents, cold turkey is the way to go.

“Some of my favorite years were after I graduated college and struggled to pay the rent,” a father of two recent college graduates said. “My children also need to be given the chance to pave their own way. … They’ve got to learn to live on their salaries.”

Many parents who have adult children who have moved back home are ambivalent. “I know this sounds a little nuts, but I’m happy to have the company,” a mother with a twenty-something living back home again after college said. “In Manhattan these days, even if she shares an apartment, she’ll spend more than $10,000 or even $15,000 on rent a year. What a waste.”

Many young adults insist that it is the economy that has forced them home — not sloth.

“I would ideally like to be supporting myself,” a 23-year-old college graduate living at home said. “People assume that my career isn’t on track because I’m living with my parents.Or that I don’t want to do my own laundry. But I do my own laundry, have a job that I love, I insist on paying my parents some rent, and I’m saving up money. I hope that soon I get paid enough to move out.”

According to the president and chief executive of the nonprofit National Endowment for Financial Education, William Anthes, there are some appropriate times for parents to help their children financially. “If a plan is agreed upon beforehand, and it is enacted with everyone’s best interests in mind, parents can help their adult children through difficult financial times without causing harm to the relationship or encouraging the child’s dependence,” he writes on the organization’s Web site.

Whether you’re restructuring your young adult’s debt, helping them put a down payment on a first home, or providing a bedroom and two meals a day, it’s important to be upfront about expectations and time frames. If you’re loaning money, charge interest. If you have a new tenant, charge at least a small amount in rent. Expect help around the house. And set a time limit.

Whether it’s letting the baby cry himself to sleep or helping a grown child move toward financial independence, self-sufficiency is the name of the game. And sometimes, so is tough love.

sarasberman@aol.com