An Extended Family Emergency Plan

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The New York Sun

On my niece Lila’s first birthday, my father — her grandfather — got to spend some quality time with the birthday girl. When she somehow signaled to him that she was hungry, my father took it upon himself to feed her. Delicately, he pulled off a piece of the almond croissant that he happened to be eating and handed it to her. A few minutes later, when she appeared interested in his can of Diet Coke, he enthusiastically gave her a first taste of the classic American beverage.

For a child whose diet had been limited, at that point to breast milk and pureed organic fruits and veggies, these delicacies must have been quite startling. For her mother (my sister-in-law) and my brother, I’m sure the shock was just as great.

Okay, maybe shock isn’t exactly the right word to describe hearing that your father or father-in-law has casually fed your baby nuts, aspartame, potassium benzoate, and caffeine before noon. Dismay? Alarm? Horror?

What’s curious is how amusing I found the story until I imagined that it was someone in my husband’s family, instead of my own darling father, who had committed these acts. In the blink of an eye, what I had perceived to be an innocent, old-fashioned mistake turned into reckless, irresponsible behavior.

Which of course brings me to the point of this column: It might be the season to be jolly, but it might also be the season to fantasize about strangling different members of your extended family as you gather under the same roof — or even in the same city — to celebrate the holidays.

On one hand, children are a great mechanism for dealing with overbearing relatives. Children are the ultimate distraction, and few parents aren’t charmed by a relative who shows a morsel of interest in their offspring. When the immature uncle plays Monopoly for four hours straight with your children, it’s a whole lot easier to see his virtues. When your mother-in-law reads to your younger children for an hour while you clean up the kitchen and prepare the next meal, it’s easier to overlook the fact that she somehow manages to voice disapproval of every room in your apartment the moment she enters.

On the flip side, grandchildren provide grandparents with a whole new subject on which to offer their own children unsolicited advice and outright criticism. Many grandparents have a hard time remembering that their chance to raise children came and went decades ago.

But for families who gather once a year — or once a month — the next few weeks will likely provide some opportunities to push each other’s buttons. Here are some practical ways to increase the odds of having a successful family gathering.

PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKES: The week or two before your family gathers together in one home (or on a sunny island), take the time to communicate your current concerns. If your in-laws bring an excessive amount of holiday presents, tell them in advance to stem the tide. If you’re worried that your daughter is feeding your overweight granddaughter doughnuts for breakfast, and you feel you must say something, do it before you sit down for the meal together. If your mother-in-law overrides your decisions in front of your children, calmly explain that while you are looking forward to spending the holidays together, you are hoping this holiday can be contradiction-free for your children. If your father curses frequently in front of your children and you are concerned, have the conversation long before the swearing begins.

Also, make sure you communicate any concerns you have for your children that might be relevant for the grandparents to know in advance. If your oldest child is going through a hard time and needs extra attention, or if you’ve decided to take a new approach to your youngest child’s tantrums, your parents or in-laws won’t know unless you share the information.

LIGHTEN UP: This is especially true if you only see the family a couple times a year. So what if your mom gives your children candy right before dinner? Who cares if your brother puts on the television when you’ve just told your crew they’ve had enough screen time? Your children understand full well that this is a special time of year, and it will not be hard for them to return to their normal routine when school resumes. Grandparents and parents alike should do their best to be as flexible and positive as possible.

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE EXTRA HANDS: Grandparents like to feel needed, and parents need a break. Let this symbiotic relationship blossom. If you don’t trust your mother-in-law to keep an eye on your children while they’re in the pool, fine. But try to identify, or even manufacture, ways in which the two generations can spend time together without parental presence. Have a romantic dinner for two while the grandparents and grandchildren have some quality time. Put out Scrabble, Blokus, and Boggle, and go to the gym for an hour. Rent a classic movie that both generations will enjoy while you disappear.

ENCOURAGE INFORMATION EXCHANGE: It’s sometimes difficult for children to relate to their grandparents as anything other than old people — especially if they are particularly old. This might be a good time to work on a family genealogy project. Maybe the children can make a list of questions to ask the grandparents? Or, maybe the grandparents can think of three or four great stories to tell from their own childhoods.

In the blink of an eye, we parents will, one hopes, become grandparents — as well as someone’s dreaded in-laws. This holiday season, don’t let this clichéd joke become a reality: “What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? At least outlaws are wanted.” Extended families are a valuable resource for children, and extended family gatherings provide the stolen moments that allow these relationships to solidify.

sarasberman@aol.com


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