In Pursuit of the Perfect Sitter
This article is from the archive of The New York Sun before the launch of its new website in 2022. The Sun has neither altered nor updated such articles but will seek to correct any errors, mis-categorizations or other problems introduced during transfer.
A few weeks ago, I let my 3-year-old daughter hire a new baby sitter.
Avital, the youngest and most determined of my three children, attached herself to a friendly young woman who was working as an arts and crafts instructor at a pirate-themed birthday party. When Lauren showed Avital how to glue fake jewels to a cardboard treasure chest, Avital looked up at her with worshipful eyes. When it was time for us to leave the party, Avital refused to let go of Lauren’s hand.
“I want she in the pirate hat to babysit me!” she demanded.
“She” turned out to be just the kind of smart, energetic babysitter savvy mothers like me are always desperately seeking: A recent college graduate who lives with her parents, Lauren is an aspiring actress who worked as a summer camp counselor at an Upper East Side private girls’ school (of which she is an alumna). As I wrote down Lauren’s cell phone number, I could feel the envy of the other mothers in the room.
“You did it again,” marveled a friend who witnessed the exchange.
In the Manhattan milieu I call “Sippy Cups and the City” — where a mother’s life is ruled by the complicated logistics of dropping off and picking up multiple children — the dating skills I perfected when my life was more “Sex and the City” are surprisingly relevant. A former flirtation expert, I am legendary in my circle for picking up baby sitters in unexpected places: at the Jewish Museum shop (an Israeli rock singer); in a swimming pool (a developmental psychology graduate student), and at Wollman Rink (a skating coach who is also a student).
Many families that once might have fled the city for suburban havens like Larchmont or Scarsdale are opting to remain in the city and are having more children. Competition for good childcare is fierce, especially as more professional women opt out of their high-powered careers to raise children, and are managing their households with a corporate-like intensity.
“I wooed my weekend baby sitter in the playground,” Abby R., a single mother of three boys under the age of seven, admitted. “We were next to each other on the swings and she was feeding a child a healthy snack so we started talking about nutrition. We just hit it off. She gave me her phone number on a scrap of paper. It was a huge coup.”
The key to staying ahead of the parenting curve may be finding what I call “special guest stars,” hip twenty-somethings who like children and are looking to make extra money. They are perfect complements to the more traditional career nannies who are the beloved mainstays of hectic households.
“I knew there was a demand for the unconventional nanny who has a life outside of care giving. That’s why I started my business,” Vanessa Wauchope, founder of Sensible Sitters, a baby-sitting agency with offices in New York and Los Angeles, said. “I was a nanny and people were always coming up to me and trying to poach me. … We recruit directly through college career services and preschools to work with their teachers when they’re not teaching.”
Working with an agency has obvious benefits because the candidates are pre-screened. But there is a certain thrill that comes from knowing you’ve outwitted the system and discovered the domestic-help diamond in the rough, like the yoga teacher I convinced to baby-sit for my sister’s son, while teaching us yoga and giving free massages.
Cuyler Mathews, a mother of three, scored one of her biggest baby-sitting successes when she asked a favorite male lifeguard at a local pool to watch her children. He was a dream “manny” (a male nanny): Trained in CPR, he was a volunteer firefighter with his own car. The other mothers were aghast. Why hadn’t they thought of asking him first?
“Sometimes people put other people in a little cog,” Ms. Matthews — an interior designer who once hired a sitter she found at a children’s shoe store — said. “I do my best to find role models for my kids who are cool or fun. You can spot them a mile away.”
In a competitive market like New York City, sometimes families find themselves auditioning for these sitters-in-demand, trying to convince them that their children are worthy of their time. Dalia Borenstein, a manager at the Barnard College Babysitting Service — which has been in operation since the mid-1960s — agreed that student sitters, who often have an interest in early childhood education, can be selective about whom they’ll work for because there are so many families looking for the same prototype.
“The parents are all looking for a special treat for their kids,” Ms. Borenstein said. “Sitters click with different families. You want to find someone whose family you’re willing to be part of.”
When a new actress or schoolteacher or ballet dancer arrives on the scene for a first date with my family, I make sure my children are in their most adorable outfits and are on their best behavior (no small feat). I attempt my best June Cleaver imitation, making sure our normally toy-cluttered apartment is filled with flowers and smells like freshly baked cookies. But our impersonation of a well-run, well-organized, easy-going family rarely fools them: Recently, we were dumped after one weekend by a social work graduate student who wrote in a farewell e-mail that working for us would be “too psychologically intense.”
Which means that if Lauren the pirate lady doesn’t work out, I’ll be back working the birthday party circuit again.