A week after parent-teacher conferences, I spoke with several parents of unhappy children. Of course, I’ve spoken with many, many more whose children are thriving — but the conversations consumed with worry are the ones that stick with me.

“We’re not sure she’s going to make it,” a mother of three said about her second grader. “She’s so behind and is really struggling. We’re not sure if we should fill out applications to other schools, schools for kids with learning issues.”

What do her teachers think?

“Ultimately, we’re going to have to decide,” the mother said. “They’re not sure. Should we commit to a summer’s worth of tutoring and hope she can catch up? She’s the kind of kid who’s sensitive to this kind of change and knows exactly what it means. On the other hand, maybe it’s exactly what she needs. Maybe everything will fall into place if she’s in a different environment.”

After my children’s conferences, I dissected each meeting in a 20-minute conversation with my mother. Of course I focused on the weaknesses, and there are plenty of them.

My mother, while fascinated by the details, warned me that if I spent my life only as happy as my most difficult child, I’d never have a chance of being content.

Easy for her to say.

Many parents speak of the pits in their stomachs as they drag miserable children to school, day after day.

“He says he hates school, and now I’m starting to believe him,” a mother of two boys said. “It’s a struggle to get him there every day and I’m getting exhausted from the battle. At our conference, the teachers said they are having a hard time getting him to loosen up. And he’s definitely one of the weaker kids in the class. I don’t know whether to just crack this up to a bad year, or if this is the beginning of something more serious.” Teachers and school administrators say there are several factors to consider when trying to get a better handle on a student who isn’t having a great year.

“Kids can struggle at school for so many reasons,” one administrator said. “A child can struggle academically because of learning issues, or because of social issues, or because of something going on at home that parents share or don’t share with the school. And yes, not all teachers are created equally. And sometimes a great teacher is not a great fit for a certain child. And sometimes there’s one child in a class who can have a negative impact on an entire classroom.”

When is it time to throw in the towel?

“If you think your child doesn’t have that spring in his step, he probably doesn’t,” a veteran middle school teacher told me. “This may or may not be a big deal. Now that the kids have had a chance to settle in, it’s a good time for parents to quietly take stock. Lots of kids say they can’t stand school because it’s the cool thing to say. But most parents know when their children are really struggling. And there’s nothing worse than keeping a kid in a school that isn’t a good fit.”

But how do you know?

“For years, my husband and I knew that our daughter wasn’t at the right school,” a mother of three said. “She was at a school for fast racehorses and she just didn’t fit in. But our other girls loved it and the thought of adding another school into the mix seemed too much. Finally, the social discomfort began to affect her grades. We switched her to a coed, more laid-back school, and I often wish we had made the change sooner.”

Another mother of three says that her son was late to blossom and that she worried during middle school that he was in the wrong environment.

“In the second year of high school, he just blossomed,” she said. “I think he would have been a bit lost anywhere. But in retrospect, I’m glad I didn’t overreact to the situation. He just needed the time to find himself and some hobbies that he cared about.”

“The best decisions are made when the schools and the parents work together to try to figure out what’s best for a child,” the school administrator said. “On their own, parents are really only exposed to part of the picture. And the same goes for the teachers. If they put their heads together, and the parents are able to remove the ego that sometimes goes along with having their children at a certain school, most of the time a decision will become clearer and clearer as the year goes on.”

sarasberman@aol.com