In Los Angeles, the saying goes, it’s your car that says it all. Do you drive a Honda or a BMW? The answer shows more than just how luxuriously you cruise along the Pacific Coast Highway. When the residents of this coast choose to define themselves, it’s with our college degrees. An Ivy – or a school such as Duke, Stanford, or the University of Chicago – bestows a certain seal of approval, as well as a starting point for another cocktail party favorite: “Brown class of ’90? Do you know _____?”

What I’ve realized lately is that in this town, when it comes to sizing up a new acquaintance quickly, even more telling than where you went to college is where your children go to school, regardless of whether it’s nursery school or the ninth grade.

For example, tell someone your children are at Riverdale, and they’ll assume you’re a Wall Street hottie, basking in the glow of your new money. Tell someone your daughters are at Nightingale, and they’ll know that you hand write your thank-you notes and insist that your children address all adults as Mr. or Mrs. Your son goes to the Stephen Gaynor School? You’re socially connected but are honest about the fact that your child has learning disabilities. Ethical Culture? You’re laid-back, liberal, and interested in diversity. Horace Mann? You’re all about achievement and excellence at any cost.

Of course, these labels are ridiculous – just as ridiculous, in fact, as assessing each other according to where we went to college or what car we drive.

In the famous scene from “Baby Boom,” Diane Keaton insists that if she can secure her young child’s acceptance at a fancy preparatory school, then college entry, a great job, and happily-ever-after will logically follow. We all want that for our children, right?

But Ms. Keaton’s monologue only partially explains many New Yorkers’ obsession with where their children go to school. And it doesn’t begin to explain some of their even more bizarre obsessions with where other people’s children go to school.

“In New York, it’s so hard for people to create a sense of community. Parents hope their children’s school will become the community that they have been searching for,” a father of three said. “Your child’s school is a label you can wear. It can be far more telling than where you went to school, where you work, or where you live.”

I spoke to others who were less cynical about why parents care so much about where their children go to school.

“Our children’s school has become our community,” one mother of two girls said. “When a parent has died or a child has been ill, this community has pulled together. As corny as it sounds, my husband and I really do feel so lucky to be part this group, and it’s the school that’s at its core.”

With as many as 12 school years per child, it does seem logical to evaluate a school’s community when trying to decide if it is a place you want to send your child every day. Your child will be spending many hours at the homes of other families who attend this school. You might see the parents every day at drop-off and pickup. There will be school fund-raisers, concerts, and plays where you will socialize with other parents.

But what happens when parents have an idea of where they belong, but the school is not a good fit for their child?

One director of admissions said that she occasionally sees parents who are more focused on the way they fit into the school than whether the school is a good match for their child.

“It’s disgusting, really,” she said. “Parents view the schools as if they’re social clubs, with not nearly enough of an effort made to understand what suits their child best.

“You would not believe how many parents overlook their child’s particular set of needs – whether it is a school with structure or a nurturing environment or lots of remedial help – because they have a fixed idea of where they, not their child, belong,” she added.

An assistant director of one prep school said that a set of parents recently submitted a forged result of their child’s neuropsychological exam in order to increase their chances of being accepted to her school.

“Can you imagine? Lying about your child’s abilities or learning issues in order to get them into a school that they don’t belong in anyway?” she asked. “Parents like this do a huge disservice to their children.”

And a huge service to themselves socially?

“When children end up at the wrong school – maybe because the parents pushed too hard or had connections, or maybe just because it didn’t turn out to be a great match – no one wins,” the assistant director said. “No parents want to get the phone calls about the ongoing problems during the year. And switching schools in fourth grade isn’t fun.”

sarasberman@aol.com