If there is one thing we parents all have in common, it’s the likelihood that we’ll ditch our children tonight and have an evening out. Dinner, the movies, a play – whatever – we won’t be doing the bedtime routine on Valentine’s Day.

In the New York I remember from my childhood, everyone’s parents went out a few nights a week – mine certainly did. And I didn’t think much of it. But today, if anything, I think parents need a little shove out the door. When did the idealized version of good parents begin to feature those that stayed home with their children seven nights a week?

At a wedding recently, I sat next to a Park Avenue-residing, full-time mother who insists on putting her son to sleep every single night before she considers stepping out the door. He (or, I should say, she) refuses to allow anyone else to put him to sleep, and in fact, despite having full-time childcare, she refuses to leave him during the day, unless she, of course, has put him down for a nap.

What struck me most about this woman was the pride with which she related the parenting style she has adopted. When I asked her about certain activities that she might like to participate in without her son, she looked at me as if I was crazy. And when, frustrated, I asked her what kind of message she thought she was sending to her son by making him the center of her world, she was unfazed. “He is the center of my world,” she said.

While most parents I know try to achieve a greater balance in their lives, many of them seem to bury their marital woes by busying themselves with their children’s multiple activities: the schlepping and the homework and the soccer leagues and the birthday parties. For those who work, add all this on top of the responsibilities at the office. Who among us actually has time for our spouse? Just as we are grateful for our children’s ability to serve as a distraction when our in-laws are around, so, too, do we allow them to serve as the ultimate diversion in our marriages.

At the first parenting group I ever attended, when my son was just a few months old, the subject of leaving our babies for a night on the town was raised. The woman who skillfully led the group, run by the Early Childhood Development Center, on East 97th Street, said, “If you don’t hire a babysitter and go out occasionally now, you will pay for it later in marital counseling.”

Truer words have never been spoken. “And for God’s sake,” she added, “don’t spend the whole evening talking about the baby.”

Marriages need active and frequent tending to – particularly when there are children in the picture, and even more so in New York, where the pace of life can be frenetic without us even noticing. Although it’s easy to ignore the message, maintaining a strong marriage is the most important thing you can do for your children.

In a national survey of marital strength conducted recently, which sampled 21,501 married couples across the country, the researchers found that an identifiable indicator of happy couples is that they are about twice as likely (63%) as unhappy couples (32%) to report that their partners give attention to their marriage as well as to the children. The study found that when children become the main focus of family life, the marriage can suffer.

A majority (64%) of married couples report that their partners give more attention to the children than their marriages. Initially I was surprised that the figure wasn’t even higher, but then I realized that not all of the couples surveyed in this particular subset of the study had their children living at home.

One of the most obvious ways to help focus on your marriage is to ditch your children altogether and have a romantic getaway. But one of the things that again seems to have shifted from the New York I knew as a child to the one in which I am raising my children is the number of days parents are comfortable leaving their children behind. It almost seems odd to write the words “romantic getaway” without adding the word “quick.”

“I think four or five or six days is the right amount of time to leave your kids,” said my friend, a mother of three. “The truth is they would probably be fine if we were away for longer. I’m just not sure I would be,” she added.

A quick poll of my childhood friends confirmed what I remember – when our parents left, it was often for 10 days or two weeks.

I can’t say that I disagree with my friend about the number of days I feel comfortable away from my brood. But I know plenty of parents who have a hard time leaving their children altogether – even for the weekend. “I’ve never left the kids. I’m just not comfortable going away from them,” said a friend of mine, and a fairly relaxed mother.

I tried to explain to her the feeling of liberation and relief that would overcome her when she finally found the courage to leave the children. How, if only for a few days, she and her husband could have their own time and space. The sleep, the sex, the books, the gym. It takes only a few hours to be on the beaches of the Caribbean. Scared of flying together on a plane? It takes only a few hours to be cozying up by the fire at a New England inn. Scared of driving together? It takes a few minutes to check into the Mercer Hotel.

As much love as we give our children, as many values as we try to impart, as many swimming lessons and ski trips and fabulous camping experiences in Maine we try to expose them to, there is nothing more instructive for them to see than signs of the actual strength of our marriages.

And just as you can count on them moaning and groaning when you leave for dinner or a quick romantic getaway, you can also count on them being reassured by the very fact that they are not the center of your world, at least not always. A few nights out a week, and a week or two away a year, can benefit everyone.