The History Channel was on in the gate area as my family waited to board a flight at the airport a few days ago. Great way to pass the time, I thought, as we all put our bags down.

My 4-year-old tuned out instantly and my husband opened his laptop, but the boys, ages 7 and 6, and I began to watch. It was a World War II documentary, mundane enough until a grainy, black-and-white field full of bodies popped up on the screen.

“Let’s play tic tac toe,” I said. My husband, looking up when he heard the edge in my voice, saw the footage and thought it was fine for the boys to watch. “It’s not too graphic,” he said. “It was a war and they’re old enough to see this kind of stuff.”

We’re not the only ones trying to figure out when the appropriate time is to introduce the idea of war — past and present — and terrorism to our children. How do we go about explaining these complicated issues while reassuring our children that they are safe? Should we wait for our children to ask us questions or should we initiate a conversation? Should we give our children our opinions?

These are especially important questions to consider as New Yorkers mark the fifth anniversary of the attacks of September 11, 2001.

“I’m planning on keeping the television off, the computer off, and the newspapers face down on Monday,” one mother of two children, 4 and 2, said. “They’re too young to understand what happened and I don’t need them worrying unnecessarily.”

She’s right. Toddlers and pre-schoolers need to be protected from information surrounding the anniversary. This week it’s especially important to limit the screen time in your house.

But what about young school-age children who will inevitably hear about it?

“It’s tempting to want to protect your children from what happened on September 11th,” an uptown psychologist who specializes in grief said, “but avoiding the subject would be a mistake. With television, newspapers, Internet, school, and peers, your kids are going to get some idea that something’s going on. And you’d be surprised, sometimes what children piece together themselves is worse, if that’s possible, than the reality.”

Contrary to what parents might think, talking about the terrorist attacks won’t increase children’s fears of them. “It’s really the opposite,” the psychologist said. “If they know something is going on and you’re not talking about it — that creates the most anxiety. But if you open up the lines of communication and just sort of check in with your kids and see what they’re thinking, you can really put them at ease. If you initiate the conversation, you know you’re going to have the opportunity to tell your children that they are safe. These kinds of reassurances are critical.”

Keep it simple. That’s what a private school counselor told me. “Elementary schoolchildren are probably going to hear something about the attacks next week, and they might not have any idea what people are talking about. They were in preschool in 2001. It’s better for a trusted parent to give them clear, basic information than for their heads to be filled with the scary garbage a classmate might share.”

What does basic information sound like?

“You’ll probably need to be the one to start the conversation with your child,” he said. “At dinner or at some other quiet time you could say something like, ‘Five years ago, something very sad happened to our country. You might hear people talking about September 11th and I want you to know what happened on that day. Bad people flew airplanes into important buildings. Lots of people were hurt and lots of people were killed. Just like we remember happy things every year, like birthdays, we also remember very sad things.'”

It’s important to follow your child’s lead. What comes next depends on the child’s age and personality. You should ask your child if he has questions and encourage him to express his concerns. Basic information might be enough, and if there aren’t more questions, let the conversation turn to other subjects.

If there are more questions, it’s important to answer them simply, honestly and slowly. Validate children’s feelings, explain that your family is safe and with older children, feel free to engage in a broader discussion about difference, problem-solving, religion, tolerance, prejudice, and conflict. Expressing your opinions is fine, as long as you do so gently so that your child isn’t frightened by the intensity of your emotions.

However difficult this kind of conversation may be, it’s only going to become more complicated as children get older and understand more about the 2001 attacks. Five years later, we adults can barely get our minds around the events of that day — and there’s no reason to believe that’s going to be different on any anniversary.