Teenage Traumas, For Parents

This article is from the archive of The New York Sun before the launch of its new website in 2022. The Sun has neither altered nor updated such articles but will seek to correct any errors, mis-categorizations or other problems introduced during transfer.

The New York Sun

Parents who race after young children from dawn till dusk anxiously await the day when their children will be able to dress, feed, and wipe themselves reliably.

“I am so tired at the end of the day, I literally fall into bed,” a mother of three children under the age of four told me the other day.

But parents of older children insist that the demands of parenthood only get greater as the children get older. “Sure, it might not be as physically taxing, but to all those exhausted parents of toddlers I say, ‘Just wait. You think you’re worn out now? You ain’t seen anything.'”

It reminds me of what well-meaning parents clucked at me when I was very pregnant with my first child. “Get your sleep now. You have no idea what’s coming.”

As for the older children, what is coming these days in the Big Apple?

“Last weekend my 10th grader went to an all-night party at the home of some Wall Street tycoon and there were hired guards. Parents are so worried about drugs at their kids’ parties that they hire private guys to make sure the party doesn’t get out of hand,” a mother of two teenagers told me.

Changing diapers, even at 2 a.m., does sound less taxing than, say waiting up until 2 a.m. for your teenager to come home from a party with hired guards. Or from a party without hired guards. (I’m not sure which would make me less anxious.)

“I know my son is having sex with girls that he isn’t in a romantic relationship with. I think these days, they call it friends with benefits,” a mother of two teenage boys told me the other day. “Believe me, we’ve had the birth control talk, the HIV talk, the sexually transmitted disease talk, the ‘having sex comes with responsibilities’ talk, and the ‘having sex brings up emotional issues’ talk. He hears us but that doesn’t change anything. I know this sounds terrible, but sex for his generation just seems to be more casual.”

According to a 2004 study conducted by the Manhattan Institute, two thirds of all 12th graders have had sex, and almost 40% of urban 12th graders have had sex with a person with whom they did not have a romantic relationship. (Suburbanites, you’re not off the hook: According to the survey, 43% of suburban 12th graders have had sex with a person with whom they did not have a romantic relationship.)

“I’m almost embarrassed to say this, but it’s not the sex, drugs, and rock and roll that exhaust me most,” a mother of three teenagers said. “It’s overseeing the homework and especially the college prep. … I mean, however much you might have complained about nursery school or kindergarten applications, at least you weren’t relying on a teenager to complete them. You could just suck it up and get them done. I dream about being able to complete my kid’s college application. It would be so much easier than what I really have to do.”

Other parents said the same. “Our nightlife has been ruined by our children’s homework,” a mother of three said. I really can’t go out more than one night a week. My husband thought I was nuts. So I told him that for one week he was in charge of overseeing homework. He thought at the end of the week he’d still think I was nuts. But he didn’t.”

“We hired a tutor,” a father of two said. “We can afford it and I don’t feel like being the bad guy. Sure, I think my kids should be responsible for their own homework. I don’t remember my parents knowing a thing about my papers or tests. But that’s not what’s expected of the parents these days at private schools in the city.”

“Parents are more involved in their kids’ schoolwork than ever, for better and worse,” a high school administrator told me. “The parents blame the schools and the schools blame the parents. And of course the whole tutoring obsession adds a new layer of complexity to the problem.”

Even just thinking about these issues exhausts me. Your 16-year-old tells you she tried marijuana. It’s great that she feels comfortable telling you, but now what do you tell her? You find an empty vodka bottle in your 14-year-old’s desk. What’s your next move? Your son’s friend crashes at your house almost every weekend because he’s too drunk to go home and face his parents. Do you call them? Your 16-year-old daughter is having casual sex. Does insisting she go on the pill suggest tacit approval of her behavior? Your son tells you that all his classmates have tutors. You know he is bright enough to do his work on his own, but you can afford a tutor. Are you hurting his chances of getting into a great college by insisting he do his work solo?

The next three columns will explore the reality of being a teenager in the city today, and what it’s like to be a parent of those teenagers. Hang on for the ride of your life.


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