It’s pretty clear that many couples stay together for the sake of their children. Governor Paterson and his wife went through a rough patch, decided to stay together for their children, and on a happy note, are apparently back in love.

No word yet on whether the Spitzers will make it through the storm. We can safely assume, though, that if Silda Wall Spitzer decides to stay with the former governor, her children will have played a large role in the decision. While few New Yorkers have lived through the public nightmare of discovering that their spouse appears to have shelled out nearly $100,000 to a prostitution service, many of them are familiar with the decision to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children.

“We know we don’t have a good marriage,” an acquaintance told me recently. “Our friends all know we don’t have a good marriage. Our parents know we don’t have a good marriage. But our kids, we hope, don’t know. We’ve made the decision, for now, to try to make our family work. We’re lucky because we don’t hate each other. We don’t have explosive blowouts. We don’t fight about the kids. But if we didn’t have children, we definitely would have called it quits a few years ago.”

Another unhappily married woman said she’s not sure what’s best for her children. “I spend plenty of time wondering, ‘Should I should stay or should I go?'” the mother of three said. “Is it better for my children for us to stick it out, even if we’re not in love? We’re unhappily married, but neither of us is entirely unhappy. How damaging an environment is this? Does it make more sense to hope that the kids will survive the divorce and benefit from seeing one of us, or maybe even both of us, in loving, respectful relationships? I wish I knew the answer.”

A social worker on the Upper West Side who specializes in marriage counseling says that there is no single answer for these questions. “Most couples I see want to improve their relationship, but all of them want to do what’s best for their children,” she said. “Sometimes, when a relationship is really toxic, the answer is, without a doubt, that it’s better for the children if the parents split up. But far more often the answer is unclear. Kids are resilient, but even the best of divorces take their toll — and most parents recognize this.”

New Yorkers, normally unabashed in their opinions, are far from judgmental when it comes to sorting out these family matters. “I have a good friend whose husband is cheating left, right, and center,” a mother of two said. “No one raises the issue with her, but I imagine she knows about her husband’s philandering and has decided to stay. Perhaps she’s staying for her children. Maybe she still loves him. Maybe she loves her lifestyle and doesn’t want to compromise. Maybe she’s scared to spend a year or two living through a divorce. Who knows? I always think I’d be out the door if I was in her shoes, but how can I really know?”

The social worker pointed out that in the city, finances often play a large role in determining whether or not a couple decides to split up. “The cost of living is so high here that most couples can’t afford to live apart and maintain the same standard of living, or even close to the same standard of living,” she said. “I hear couples all the time try to predict what will happen if they split up — will they still be able to afford sleepaway camp? Ballet lessons? Homework tutors? Ski vacations? In most cases the answer is no,” she said. “I was prepared to stick it out,” a mother of two said. “But my ex-husband wanted out. We traded in a townhouse and a country house for two much smaller apartments. Of course, our boys notice the difference. And for the first few years, that killed me. But now we’re both in great relationships and the kids seem to be doing well. Who knows what’s best? I certainly don’t.”

“I tell couples that they shouldn’t stay in a bad marriage for the sake of their children,” the social worker said. “But for a lot of parents, the idea of not seeing their children every day is very painful. Broaching the subject of how you might tell your children you’re taking some time apart is agonizing for some parents to imagine. And sometimes couples with children realize that getting divorced still means you have to interface with your spouse. That’s why you see parents waiting until their children leave for college, and then getting divorced.”

“I knew when I was pregnant with our second child that the marriage was over,” an acquaintance said. “I hate to admit it, but it’s true. I loathed my husband and knew that I didn’t want my boys to grow up seeing me so angry all the time. At first, it was so hard not being with the kids all the time. But I’ve grown to enjoy the time to myself. And my relationship with my ex-husband is fine now. I hope that eventually one of us remarries so the boys can see a successful marriage.”

“It’s like the movie ‘Sliding Doors,'” the social worker said. “Except that you’ll never know what happens in a fantasy parallel universe. You only get one shot at making the best decision you can.”

sarasberman@aol.com