Phew! What a relief! The agonizing suspense and the unbearable tension is over at last. With its 2-0 victory over Mexico on Saturday in Columbus, Ohio, the USA has qualified for next year’s World Cup in Germany.

Only kidding. There has been no suspense, no tension, no nail-biting … not much of anything approaching excitement, be the truth known.

Even before this lengthy series of regional qualifying games began in June of last year, it was obvious to anyone who gave the matter a second’s thought that the Americans – along with Mexico – were shoo-ins for qualification.

Both countries have played 15 games since then – their opponents have included notably less-than-formidable opponents like Grenada, Dominica, St. Kitts and Nevis, and the Virgin Islands – giving the expected outcome: With three games yet to be played, the USA sits atop the group of North and Central American and Caribbean nations (the Concacaf region), already qualified, while Mexico is in second place, needing just one more point from its three remaining games.

Third place – which also guarantees a place in Germany next year – will almost certainly go to Costa Rica. That too was predictable, meaning that only the matter of fourth place has a competitive atmosphere. Fourth place is hardly an area that usually generates much passion, but it’s all we’ve got in this series, and it certainly does matter to the two teams – Guatemala and Trinidad & Tobago – currently tied for that position on seven points each.

It matters because the fourth-place team still has a chance to qualify for Germany, which means prestige, glory, limelight … and money. A colossal financial windfall, in fact. FIFA has already announced that a qualifying team will receive over $8 million in appearance money – more, of course, should the team advance beyond its first-round group.

Either Guatemala or T&T will have to play a two-game home-and-home series with a team from Asia. Just who that will be is being decided by another home-and-home series between Uzbekistan and Bahrain; Uzbekistan won its home game 1-0 , but because of a refereeing error, FIFA has taken the highly unusual decision of ordering the game to be replayed.

Okay, none of these countries, not Guatemala or T&T or Uzbekistan or Bahrain, has even the slightest chance of winning the World Cup; even getting out of the first round in Germany would be a major triumph. But the relentless growth – bloating is surely a better description – of the world cup has inevitably meant the inclusion of teams that, on merit, should not be present.

The iniquity is worsened by the regional system of qualification. A look at the situation in the South American region tells all: As expected, Brazil (the only country to have played in every World Cup) and Argentina are already qualified. Two more places are available – at the moment, that would be Ecuador and Paraguay – plus a fifth playoff spot, currently up for grabs among Uruguay, Colombia, and Chile. Two, possibly all three, of those traditionally strong teams will not make it to Germany.

Yet Saudi Arabia and Iran – weaker teams from the weaker Asian region – have already qualified, and one from the undeniably minnow quartet of Uzbekistan/Bahrain/T&T/Guatemala will definitely join them.

None of this in any way demeans the USA’s presence in Germany. Coach Bruce Arena has confected a solid, if unspectacular, team that is ranked sixth in the world by FIFA, right behind Mexico. The Americans’ clear-cut win over Mexico may shortly reverse those positions, a change that could be of great significance when, on December 9, FIFA conducts the World Cup draw. At that event, the 32 qualified teams will be drawn into eight groups of four teams. Eight teams – the eight that FIFA considers to be the strongest – will be seeded as group leaders, and one of those seedings will surely go to either the USA or Mexico.

FIFA’s method of deciding on the seeds, which takes into account the world rankings and a team’s performance in past world cups, has always been a rather mysterious process, but the USA now looks like the favorite over Mexico.

As the rivalry between the two countries has intensified, Arena has shown a sharp ability to outsmart the Mexicans, particularly in games played in the USA. In 1999, Arena’s first full year as the U.S. coach, his team lost 2-1 in San Diego. Since then, the USA has gone 6-0-1 in home games against the Mexicans.

But the game that really brought anguish to the Mexicans was the USA’s 2-0 quarterfinal elimination of Mexico during the 2002 world cup in Korea.

USA-Mexico games are now accompanied by a trite war of words at the yah-boo level. Yes, the Mexicans are right; they did outplay the USA in Mexico City back in March, with a 2-1 win. But USA fans now have cause to gloat, for the Americans were much the better team in Columbus.

Mexican forward Jared Borgetti had belittled the USA as merely a counterattacking team. “I want to see them come out and really play the game,” he said. He got his wish in the second half, and Mexico tamely capitulated.

The verbal battle continued after the game. Mexican coach Ricardo Lavolpe, having seen his team made to look decidedly pedestrian, was not in a benevolent mood, remarking, “The U.S. is a small team. They play like my sister, my aunt, and my grandmother.” To paraphrase Winston Churchill, Some sister! Some grandmother!

But it was the USA’s Landon Donovan – who did not have a particularly good game – who took the prize for adolescent sniping and revealed that he has a lot to learn about sporting behavior. “They suck,” he said, “I’m so happy … hopefully, that will shut them up for the next three or four years.”

Nice, Landon. I can’t resist comparing his comments with those made after another World Cup qualifier, played on the same day. This is the Paraguay midfielder Roberto Acuna after his team had beaten Argentina 1-0: “We beat a team with a lot of quality, very good players, and a great history.”