Anybody here remember the 2003-04 Boston Celtics? I doubt it, because they didn’t give us much to savor. The club went 36-46 before being put out of its misery by Indiana in a first round playoff sweep.

Yet we might be hearing a lot more about those Celtics in the coming weeks, because they had the worst record of any playoff team in league history. And if things keep going the way they are in the Eastern Conference this year, Boston’s mark will be seriously threatened come April.

Less than halfway through the season, seven Eastern clubs seem relatively assured of qualifying for the postseason: Detroit, Miami, New Jersey, Cleveland, Indiana, Milwaukee, and Philadelphia. All seven are playing .500 or better and have given little indication that they can’t keep up that pace the rest of the way.

As for the eighth spot … perhaps the league should just leave it vacant and play with seven teams. If the season ended today, the East’s no.8 seed would belong to the Celtics, who at 13-18 are on pace to break their own infamous record and make the playoffs with a 34-48 record. In a year where the East was supposedly ready to end the West’s decade of dominance, that’s not presenting much of a case for change.

There are eight teams competing for the final spot (although in this case, my use of the term “competing” is looser than Tara Reid after three vodka martinis), and one of them will get it by virtue of playing less badly than the others. With that in mind, I thought we’d take a walk through the dregs of the Eastern Conference. I’ll assess why each of these teams is playing so poorly and what it can do to move ahead of its equally pathetic peers. Grab a nose clip and join me:

BOSTON (13-18) The Celtics seem stuck in the mud with a combustible mix: a young roster, a brooding superstar who may or may not be traded, and an allergy to defense. Second-year forward Al Jefferson has the makings of a 20-10 beast but coach Doc Rivers seems strangely reluctant to play him, while an injury to Tony Allen has deprived the team of a stopper on the wings. In Boston’s favor is the fact that Jefferson is playing more than he was earlier in the season; what’s more, Allen could be back as soon as next week. Of course, Paul Pierce could be on another team by then.

ORLANDO (12-17) This year’s Magic consist of two teams – the “with Grant Hill” Magic, and the “without Grant Hill” Magic. With Hill, Orlando beat Minnesota by 20 points and took Detroit into the final minutes on the road. Without Hill, the Magic are an offensively impotent mess that cleared 100 points just twice in 20 games. If Hill can stay healthy, Orlando is a shoo-in to outclass this group, but we’ve been saying that for the past five years.

WASHINGTON (12-17) I guess they missed Larry Hughes more than we thought they would. The Wizards were a 45-win surprise a year ago but former Nets assistant Eddie Jordan is having trouble replicating that success. One problem has been the shockingly awful play of free-agent addition Antonio Daniels, who was slated to fill Hughes’s spot after the high-scoring guard bolted for Cleveland in free agency. Another unexpected development has been the team’s strangely deficient defense, which will cause fingers to start pointing right back at Jordan if it isn’t fixed soon.

CHICAGO (12-19) Two weeks ago we all thought the Bulls would be the East’s no. 8 seed, but they’ve dropped eight straight since then. Tyson Chandler is another of this year’s many free agent disappointments: A battle with chronic fatigue has left him unable to provide the defensive energy that was so vital to this club a year ago. In the backcourt, Ben Gordon has failed miserably in his effort to recapture last year’s magic, and Kirk Hinrich looks like he’s running out of gas after 2 1/2 years of defending bigger guards for 40 minutes a night. Still, nobody would be shocked if coach Scott Skiles turned this team around – just like he did a year ago.

TORONTO (10-22) Only in the context of the Eastern playoff race could I look at a team like the Raptors and think “hmmm … intriguing.” The Raps blew away the Magic on Wednesday for their sixth win in eight games, and they have a few assets most teams at this level don’t. Chris Bosh is a stud forward who should be headed to his first-ever All-Star game next month, point guard Mike James is playing with contract year zeal, and Matt Bonner has surpassed Brian Scalabrine as the league’s best redhead. Toronto’s search for a center might be ending soon, too: Second-year project Pape Sow is tearing it up in the D-League. If coach Sam Mitchell can keep vets like Jalen Rose and Eric Williams on his side, this could get interesting. On the other hand, it’s hard to take a team seriously when it’s 3-12 at home.

CHARLOTTE (10-22) Oh, come on now – is the East really bad enough that a second-year expansion team could make the postseason? Probably not, but we can’t completely rule it out. The ‘Cats are getting crazy production at the point from Jersey boy Brevin Knight and have used pressure defense to overcome numerous injuries in the frontcourt and stay somewhat competitive. If Emeka Okafor starts playing at last season’s level and the rest of the lineup gets healthy, Charlotte could make a late charge.

NEW YORK (8-21) Yes, it’s true: The Knicks are only three games out of the playoffs in the loss column. What a country. I’ve already discussed this team’s shortcomings adnauseum, so I won’t revisit them here. But if owner James Dolan’s pockets are deep enough to keep bribing the refs, then I suppose the Knicks have a shot – that strategy worked to perfection in Monday night’s 140-133 win against Phoenix.

ATLANTA (7-22) Even in the East, it seems completely implausible for the Hawks to qualify for the playoffs. They have the worst record in the league for a reason, and they’ll probably be trading one of their best players, Al Harrington, at some point in the next few weeks. Maybe they could qualify for the playoffs in a different conference – like, say, the Atlantic 10 – but not in this one.

Mr. Hollinger is the author of the 2005-06 Pro Basketball Forecast. He can be reached at jhollinger@nysun.com.