Here are some things most Americans believe but I don’t:

— You must have a water bottle with you at all times or you will die of dehydration, or end up drinking Coke instead and die of diabetes. (Or you will end up drinking Diet Coke instead and die of something Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is worried about.)

— Your child should not play at the park without supervision until they are too old to want to play at the park. If they are there under the legal driving age without a security detail, they will die of kidnapping. If they are there with a friend, they will die of a rare double kidnapping.

— You had better give your kid a tracking device or … see above.

— If you don’t have a yoga mat, you can’t do yoga.

— If you don’t do yoga, you will be old and dumpy before your time. Or at least old and dumpy before your friend’s time — the one who does yoga.

— If you or a loved one eat popcorn at the movies, no one can hear you. Same with discussing whether the villain in this movie was also in the “Mission Impossible” before the other “Mission Impossible” but not as the villain.

— If you say “‘NIGHT, EVAN. THAT WAS A GREAT CONFERENCE. SEE YOU IN THE MORNING. ARE YOU GOING TO GO TO THE KEYNOTE? IT’S AT 11, RIGHT?” in a hotel hallway, everyone will sleep right through it.

— If you get an invitation to a party, you don’t have to RSVP.

— If you RSVP — “Yes, I will be there” — you don’t have to actually show up, and your host will be cool with that. It’s not like they bought food or saved you a place or got their hopes up or anything.

— Elementary school students need to practice mindfulness, breathing and journaling, or they will be anxious wrecks.

— Kids love mindfulness. It is as fun as “Minecraft.”

— If you or a loved one drink out of the hose, you will get cancer 27 minutes later.

— Black Friday is a festive addition to the roster of American holidays.

— Eating organic food makes you holy.

— If your child is not playing a sport every moment they are not in school, they will never get into a great college, or they at least won’t get a scholarship. But if they start tee-ball while still unsure if the cow says moo, Dartmouth awaits.

— If Dartmouth doesn’t await, all is lost.

— Hating the people who voted for the other guy automatically makes you smarter than them. Also more compassionate and evolved. More hate? More evolved.

— Your tot will be forever damaged if you don’t say “Good try, good buddy” when they kick the ball out of bounds at soccer practice. They need to learn that it’s the effort that counts.

— Your child will also be forever damaged if you say “Good try, good buddy” when they kick the ball out of bounds at soccer practice. They need to learn that actions have consequences.

— Your child will be damaged no matter what, thanks to something you once said.

— Your child needs you at every soccer practice.

— All babies are cute.

— If you give a mouse a cookie, this is a good idea.

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