It’s Not Just You
Many of the conditions plaguing Americans today are mild and temporary.
It is hard to stay sane in this crazy world. Luckily, many of the conditions plaguing Americans today are mild and temporary. Including:
Hairanoia: The suspicion that everybody is just saying they love your new haircut.
Kinsomnia: The inability to fall asleep once one starts thinking about one’s family.
Rexhibitionism: Childhood compulsion to show dinosaur figurines to everyone, even strangers on the street.
Seasonings affective disorder: Manifested by the need to glop Sriracha on things that taste just fine the way they are.
Dementionate: Compulsively nice behavior — the lending of money, sharing of fries, remembering of birthdays — sparking waves of unworthiness on the part of the recipient.
Socialism Anxiety: Inability to converse with anyone who voted for Bernie Sanders.
Hippochondria: The conviction that one’s hips look about a mile wide in the outfit one idiotically chose to wear today.
Angoraphobia: The fear of being way too hot in a sweater.
Delusions of Grandes: Compulsive fantasizing about one’s next Starbucks, even while sipping a Frappuccino right now.
Schleptomania: Going from store to store even though you don’t really know what you want and are maxed out on your credit cards.
Obsessive-Complainer Disorder: Manifests itself in singsong statements of fatigue, boredom and the wish to do, eat or be something else. Also see: whines, whining, whiners, children.
ATMnesia: The inability to remember where you put your bank card moments after you have completed a cash machine transaction.
Post-Traumatic Dress Disorder: Rage and guilt focused on a bride after she has ordered mauve poufy dresses for her bridesmaids, and you are one of them.
Psyintology: To feel wildly conflicting emotions about Tom Cruise. On the one hand, he’s a cult member. On the other hand, my GOD he is STILL gorgeous. And “Maverick” — wow. All is forgiven, Tom. Or is it? No. Yes. No. Yes.
Bi-Stroller Disorder: To experience violent fantasies while being stuck behind someone with a double stroller hogging the whole sidewalk, especially if that someone is on her phone.
Post-Cardum Depression: Feeling sad looking at old postcards from when you used to bother to write them.
Dysmexia: Confusing tacos and burritos.
Sharkolepsy: Inability to stay awake during shows featuring would-be entrepreneurs.
Clinical Cynical Syndrome: To reply to any idea proposed by a thoughtful adult with “Yeah, right” or “OK already.” Technically known as “adolescence.”
Mallucination: Often triggered by Cinnabon inhalation. Mallucinators see Aeropostale and Yankee Candle stores while staring into space.
Duhlirium: The inability to stop responding with the word “duh” when someone is trying to explain something.
Passive-agassive: The compulsion to make rude noises. (See: “Boys.”)
Festive-aggressive: To insist on wearing a party dress, even to the sandbox. (See: “Girls.”)
Gyromania: Disturbing fixation on delicious lamb sandwiches.
Lawyerism: Compulsive bingeing on anything starring Sam Waterston.