Our presidential candidates have been through a lot. At least, mine sure has. So here is the ultimate gift: Vice presidential short lists for each of them.

No need to thank me, friends. (Unless you win.)

For McCAIN

Elmo:

As red-state as McCain — or red, anyway — but younger, cuddlier. Lowers the ticket age by about 173%. Genial nature could well recapture fawning press Senator McCain got the first time around. Moreover, ready on day one to do the vice president’s job, i.e., listen to his running mate’s punch lines and laugh till he falls down.

Downside: Reacts the same way to Lou Dobbs.

Tarzan:

McCain needs it, this guy’s got it: The swing vote.

Downside: Only good suit is made of banana leaves.

Regis Philbin:

Karl Rove’s lesson: take your opponent’s strength and make it his weakness. Post-Karl corollary: Take your own weakness and make it your strength. Who says two cranky, old white guys can’t win? McCain/Philbin brings years — almost centuries — of experience to the job. Plus, Mr. Philbin can promise that if he’s elected, everyone goes home with a free juicer.

Downside: Tendency to interrupt stump speeches with, “We’ll be right back, with Eva Langoria!”

Hillary:

Would Obama get one ounce of air time facing these two, once they’re a team? Nope.

Downside: Bad campaign slogan: “I’m with stupid.”

Michael Bloomberg:

Understands the economy and owns a big chunk of it.

Downside: Um … he’s short?

FOR OBAMA

Pillsbury Doughboy:

Supremely un-bitter, blue-collar white guy. Wears his preservatives like a badge of honor. Found on shelf furthest from the baby arugula, but totally buys Senator Obama’s message: Can we have fresh-baked crescent rolls in just 20 minutes, provided the oven is pre-heated? “Yes We Can!”

Downside: In the heat of the campaign, could rise to the occasion or accidentally end up baked.

Beyonce:

Just a great-looking ticket. I see a GQ cover.

Downside: Americans may not be ready after eight years of Dick Cheney.

George Clooney:

Just a great-looking ticket. I see a GQ cover.

Downside: See above.

Hillary:

Re-unites the Democratic party. Makes ticket even more historic. Gives Mr. Obama someone to work in White House attic on all-important, four-year Adopt a Cul de Sac legislation.

Downside: Vice presidents become president if something falls from attic onto president’s head.

Michael Bloomberg:

Brings executive experience, terrorism smarts, and giant wallet to campaign.

Downside:

Mr. McCain will cry.

FOR HILLARY

Cruella de Vil:

Famed fierce femme makes Hillary look like a warm puppy by comparison. Equally obsessed by issues of black and white — albeit, Dalmatians. Deep Disney roots could only help in L.A. fundraising.

Downside:

PETA.

Al Gore:

It worked for the other Clinton. Comes with enough “green cred” to spread around. Got that big prize last year.

Downside:

Ethanol enthusiasm may have accidentally caused worldwide famine, pestilence, disease, death, and higher prices at D’Agostino’s. And those prices were already high.

Isiah Thomas:

Has dealt with sex scandals, angry New Yorkers, losing teams. Eager for a comeback. In short: Hillary in size 15 shoes. Nicely mutes the race issue, except …

Downside:

African-Americans hate him, too.

Katie Couric:

Rose to the top on brains and moxie, only to be slammed by the sexism no one is willing to admit still rules the world. “Post-feminist America” still wants man in the job. In short: Hillary in a cuter skirt. The Thelma and Louse ticket, except …

Downside:

Didn’t Thelma and Louise drive off a cliff?

Michael Bloomberg:

As a subway rider, enhances her “everyman” appeal.

Downside:

As a billionaire, not so much.

lskenazy@yahoo.com