Pointless, Joyless Self-Sacrifice: The New Wave of Puritanism Animating Parent-Shaming

Would you leave your sleeping child in a hotel room with a baby monitor and go eat at a nearby restaurant?That’s the question posed by Stephanie Murray in this wide-ranging Slate piece. Ms. Murray was inspired by two things: one, the viral mob attacking parenting influencers Matt and Abby Howard for leaving their babies in their cruise ship cabin with FaceTime on while they ate in the dining room, and two, the fact that Murray and her husband do the same thing on vacations: Take the baby monitor with them and head out to a nearby dinner.It never occurred to Ms. Murray that this was taboo or even dangerous. Yet when she started asking other people if they did this too, almost no one was willing to admit it publicly, for fear of being parent-shamed. Shamed for putting a child in danger, no matter how unlikely. And shamed for putting their own needs first — no matter that a sleeping child’s needs are minimal.The 20th-century pundit H.L. Mencken once defined Puritanism as “the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.” That’s what today’s parenting has become: a religion steeped in pointless, joyless self-sacrifice for the sake of excess safety.In the end, the Howards — the influencer couple — told fans that, oh, of course an adult had been in the room watching the tots the whole time. They just forgot to mention that. True or not, that’s not what matters. What matters is that society’s safety demands are untethered to reality.Beholden to them nonetheless, parents across America are waiting at the bus stop every afternoon because many schools won’t let children get off the bus unless an adult is there to walk them home. This is true even if they live two houses away.I was talking to a dad yesterday who let his 6-year-old scooter home from a party literally around the corner from their house. The other parents were appalled.Isn’t it more appalling to treat 6-year-olds as if they CAN’T scooter home?And then there’s the “safety information” parents get bombarded with. Last week I got a parenting newsletter with a six-point guide to preparing your child for a sleepover. Not enough? They were also selling a nine-page booklet. NINE PAGES ON PREPARING YOUR CHILD FOR A SLEEPOVER.Then I got a notice from the Consumer Product Safety Commission regarding the recall of a Fisher Price “activity center.” Was it spontaneously exploding? Slathered in anthrax? No. But the pretend tissue box COULD become detached from the rest of the toy. “Fisher-Price has received one report of the tissue box toy coming apart and an infant placing the small support bracket in their mouth. No injuries have been reported.”Into the dump it goes, a victim of the fantasy dangers that parents (and Fisher Price!) are expected to pretend are real.These fantasies can be weaponized against anyone who dares to be rational and ignore them. This is why one of our missions at Let Grow is changing the neglect laws. Currently, most states say something like, “Parents must provide proper supervision.”Yet “proper” is pretty open-ended. And if you live in a culture where the slightest possibility of danger is considered no different from the PROBABILITY of danger, then anytime a parent isn’t sitting right next to their child, they could be considered neglectful. So parents have been investigated when their 8-year-old walked home half a mile, or their 5-year-old wandered next door to visit a friend.Our Reasonable Childhood Independence law puts things back into perspective: Neglect is when you put your child in OBVIOUS and LIKELY danger — not anytime you take your eyes off them. Not anytime a cop or caseworker can IMAGINE something terrible, however unlikely, happening.The real danger parents face today is the race to shame, blame and sometimes even arrest those of us who dare to live in reality.Creators.com

Pointless, Joyless Self-Sacrifice: The New Wave of Puritanism Animating Parent-Shaming

Pointless, Joyless Self-Sacrifice: The New Wave of Puritanism Animating Parent-Shaming

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