As some readers of this column may have noticed, I keep gently reminding (or perhaps the word is hectoring) parents to step back to allow children to step up. What, though, if a tot doesn’t WANT to step up … or even get off the couch? 

This happens often enough that I’m reprinting the note from a mom worried about this. She wrote to say: 

“My son loves his independence. His older sister, not so much. In Grade 4, she still holds my hand while walking to the school bus and is very upset that I have determined that they will walk the last two blocks on their own. Daily, she begs me to walk all the way.

“I know that she is capable and competent. If she were to get locked out of the house, she is sufficiently resourceful to handle the situation. But she almost never goes outside without me unless I essentially physically propel her out the door.”

The mom added that this reluctance is not necessarily innate. Her daughter “has a grandmother who is happy to feed into this. (She once told my kids not to play in the public space behind our yard because bad people would steal them.)”

So how do you get a child to let go of the apron strings without feeling forced and resentful and scared?

Well, three ideas come to mind, one of which won’t work. That one is: Ask grandma to stop scaring the tots. Grandma won’t, because she wants to keep her beloved grandchildren safe and thinks what she’s doing helps. 

This means the mom shouldn’t bother asking or showing her these reassuring crime statistics (crime is at about a 50-year low). Or even pointing to the amazing long-term study that found the more you tell children the world is a cruel place, the worse their lives will be in the long run. Anyway, nix all that.

The second idea is one the mom mentioned in passing: “If she were to get locked out of the house, she is sufficiently resourceful to handle the situation.”

Not that anyone should deliberately lock their children out! No — you didn’t hear that from me! Yet if you’d like your tot to discover for themselves how competent they can be, why not ask their help when you “desperately” need it?

For instance, guests are coming for dinner, and you don’t have any napkins! Ask them to please help you out and run to the store, if one is near. Or to please run to the neighbor’s and get some. Or tell them you need some aspirin or something for work. Some grownup thing they can help you with.

Children, like the rest of us, love to feel needed. That desire will probably rise above the fear. And from what I’ve seen, once tots get a taste of being “adult” and competent, they want more of it. And on the flip side, once parents see how safe and competent their children really are, they are ready to loosen the reins.

As for Idea No. 3: If possible, parents, see if your child’s teacher or school might want to do the (free!) independence-building Let Grow Experience my nonprofit developed. It’s a homework assignment that asks tots to go home and do something new on their own. 

We have heard countless stories of children discovering the excitement of being part of the world. Here’s one. Here’s another. If these stories excite you, consider getting other parents to join you and ask your school to assign the experience.

That being said, I also wouldn’t stress too much about a child’s reluctance to go outside on their own. Things often resolve themselves in the fullness of time.

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