Fears of Sexual Abuse, Drugs, and Guns Threaten a Childhood Institution — the Sleepover

Sleeping bags on the floor, snacks past midnight, the kind of laughter that keeps everyone up way too late: The sleepover has been a childhood staple for as long as most parents can remember. However, a growing number of those parents are now saying no.What was once a cautious outlier position has, for many families, quietly become the default.As recently as April, investigators found that parents increasingly view the overnight stay at a friend’s home as a risky proposition, with child safety organizations and psychiatrists fielding a surge of questions about just how much danger a seemingly innocent invitation can carry.The shift is not born of paranoia. Experts say the fears are grounded in data, and in dangers that couldn’t have been imagined a generation ago.“Parents are starting to recognize the stranger danger myth of child sexual abuse and are more aware that adults who are known to the child can also perpetrate child sexual abuse,” a professor at John Jay College of Criminal Justice, Elizabeth Jeglic, tells The New York Sun. “The risks of child sexual abuse at sleepovers has not increased, it is just our awareness that has increased,” adds Ms Jeglic, who specializes in childhood abuse and crime prevention.When the threat is already insideAccording to the CDC, roughly 90 percent of child sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone known and trusted by the child or the child’s family; strangers represent only a fraction of the actual risk. A separate analysis found that 93 percent of juvenile victims know their abusers: 34 percent are family members and 59 percent are acquaintances.The data points in an uncomfortable direction: In most cases, the threat is already familiar. Research suggests that in roughly two-thirds of child sexual abuse cases, the perpetrator builds trust with a family specifically to gain access to the child.From the outside, the relationship is indistinguishable from any normal friendship. Yet, the grooming doesn’t stop with the child. It extends to the adults around them.“We know that taking children for overnight stays is more commonly reported among children who were sexually abused as compared to children who were not abused,” Ms. Jeglic tells the Sun. “Further, in a large sample of adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, we found that 15 percent reported that taking the child on overnight stays was a grooming behavior used by the perpetrator.”A 2024 study in “Child Abuse & Neglect” found that 99 percent of adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse endured at least one grooming-type behavior. Most commonly, this was a perpetrator who sought out trusting children and arranged to be alone with them. The sleepover, by design, creates exactly that opportunity.“We don’t have reliable statistics showing exactly how often sleepovers are used in grooming, but we do know that many offenders rely on trust, access, secrecy, and opportunities to be alone with a child,” a registered psychologist and co-founder of the Institute of Child Psychology, Tammy Schamuhn, tells the Sun. “Overnight situations can increase those opportunities, which is why families should treat sleepovers as a higher-trust and higher-planning situation.”The numbers point to only a part of the big picture.“As parents have become more aware of ways to protect children from sexual abuse, there has been more scrutiny on the practice of sleepovers, especially for young children,” the CEO of the Washington, D.C.-based National Children’s Alliance, Teresa Huizar, tells the Sun.“It’s prudent for parents to minimize risk by questioning whether this practice really serves children today very well,” says Ms. Huizar, whose alliance represents the nation’s network of nearly 1,000 children’s advocacy centers. “We all have fun memories of pillow fights, raiding the fridge, and making s’mores in the backyard. But too many adults also have memories of being exposed to unsafe situations, risky behavior, or abuse.”Phones in the darkTake the predatory adult out of the picture entirely, and the risks don’t disappear. An unlocked phone, a tablet left on, a gaming console with open chat — any of them can take a child somewhere that a parent can’t follow.Experts warn that algorithm-driven autoplay feeds are particularly effective at pushing children toward extreme or harmful content, and that parents have never had adequate tools to stop them.Ms. Schamuhn’s organization has documented a 70 percent increase in peer-to-peer abuse, and she says parents need to ask hard questions before any overnight stay.“Are there older children in the house? What are the rules around devices? Could firearms be accessible?” she asks.More than 2,200 children under 18 died from firearm injuries in 2024, and nearly 40 percent of unintentional shooting deaths among children aged 11 to 14 happen in the home of a friend. An estimated 32.3 million American children live with a gun owner, and one in five of those households has at least one weapon stored both loaded and unlocked.The threat, experts say, rarely announces itself.“While there are many concerns about sleepovers, sexual assaults, gun violence, substance use, inappropriate social media, most of the data are anecdotal,” a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, Gene Beresin, tells the Sun. “This is not to say concerns are overreactions. As always, parents need to opt for safety even in the absence of evidence,” says Mr. Berenson, who also serves as executive director of the Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds at Massachusetts General Hospital.“Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence,” he points out. “Thoughtful concerns are always the first and most important steps parents and caregivers need to take.”The rise of the ‘sleepunder’Not every parent is walking away from the tradition altogether.A trend called the “sleepunder” has emerged: Children spend the evening at a friend’s home but are picked up before bedtime, a compromise that parenting experts say keeps the fun while cutting out the hours parents cannot supervise.It isn’t just sleepovers. A national survey of nearly 24,000 American parents found that roughly 60 percent of 17-year-olds aren’t permitted to leave their own neighborhoods unsupervised. The sleepover anxiety is part of something bigger — a long, quiet erosion of childhood autonomy that was already well underway.Child safety advocates are careful not to frame any of this as an argument against independence or friendship. Ms. Jeglic points out that she allows her own three children to attend sleepovers despite what she knows professionally.“I believe that the best prevention is talking to your children about these issues and equipping them with the skills to know how to contact a protective adult if something doesn’t make them feel comfortable,” she says. “While it is our responsibility as adults to protect them and make sure there is adequate supervision and the environment is safe, empowering our children is the best prevention.”Ms. Huizar points to well-known institutional scandals as a warning about what can happen when adult oversight fails overnight.“We know from the Boy Scouts abuse scandals, summer camp abuse scandals, and various faith community abuse scandals that overnight trips were a key opportunity for perpetrators,” she says. “This does not mean that every family is dangerous or that we should be paranoid. But it does mean that even those situations where we might otherwise think children are being well supervised and safe are not without some level of risk.”Still, for parents willing to do the groundwork, experts say sleepovers need not be off the table entirely. Dr. Beresin recommends parents build in a pre-arranged exit before drop-off.“Plan on a check-in call, and have your kid say, ‘my stupid parent is going to call me,’” he stresses. “If you feel unsafe, text your parent and use a code.”For Ms. Huizar, however, the sleepunder model offers the clearest path forward.“Kids get to have all the fun activities we all remember and then go home to their own bedtime routines,” she tells the Sun. “This not only minimizes risk, but it also adds to the sleep quality for everyone. Let’s let kids be kids while keeping them safe.”

Fears of Sexual Abuse, Drugs, and Guns Threaten a Childhood Institution — the Sleepover

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