Buchwald v. Breslin: The Telegrams

The death Wednesday at age 81 of the insouciant wit Art Buchwald brought forth a blizzard of friendly remembrances. Largely unmentioned was Buchwald’s friendly rivalry with Jimmy Breslin.In the early 1960s, both Buchwald and Mr. Breslin were columnists and stars at the Herald Tribune, where each appeared three times a week on the front page of the paper’s second section, on alternating days.As friendly rivals, the two often pelted editors and the copy desk with telegrams conveying unusual requests vis a vis one another. The Herald Tribune’s publisher, Jock Hay Whitney, its editor, Jim Bellows, its managing editor Dick Wald, and even a stray copyboy got caught up in the exchanges, sometimes without their knowledge. The following examples, compiled by Colin Miner, are reprinted with permission from “The World of Jimmy Breslin” (1967), a collection of Mr. Breslin’s columns.NOTE TO DESK:BUCHWALD WANTS ME TO SAY THAT WE HAVE A PACT THAT EITHER BOTH OF US APPEAR ON FIRST PAGE OR NONE OF US AND THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO BREAK US UP BY THIS ALTERNATING. HE SAYS THAT I’M SUPPOSED TO THREATEN YOU WITH A DUAL WALKOUT IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN. WELL, THE HELL WITH HIM. I HOPE YOU BURY THE SONOFABITCH. JUST TAKE CARE OF ME. I THOUGHT YOUR USE OF TYPE ON PAGE ONE THIS MORNING WAS SO GREAT I WAS OVERCOME.BreslinI AM TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK. BRESLIN IS NOT A CHRISTIAN. BUT I LOVE HIM BECAUSE THERE IS TOO MUCH HATE IN THE WORLD. IF WE LOVE BRESLIN WE CAN LOVE EVERYBODY. BLESS THE STAFF THAT MAKES US THE PAPER.BuchwaldI AM STAYING OUTWaldOne Christmas, Buchwald struck back:JIMMY BRESLINNEW YORK HERALDDEAR JIMMY,JUST RECEIVED MY $1,000 BONUS CHECK FROM HERALD TRIBUNE. I FEEL IT’S LOW. IF YOU GOT MORE, COULD YOU LET ME KNOW SO I COULD RAISE HELL IN NEW YORK.REGARDSBuchwaldMR. BUCHWALDWASHINGTON BUREAUDEAR MR. BUCHWALD:MR. JIMMY BRESLIN IS NOT HERE. IF YOU NEED HIM HE CAN BE LOCATED AT MARTY ERLICHMANN’S MIDTOWN CUSTOM-BUILT CADILLAC AGENCY, BROADWAY AND SIXTY-FIRST STREET. BRESLIN SAW WHITNEY EARLY TODAY AND RAN OUT OF HERE TO BUY A NEW CAR.George Robinson,Copy BoyJIMMY BRESLINNEW YORK HERALD TRIBUNESORRY TO HAVE BOTHERED YOU. THE TWO BONUS CHECKS WERE STAPLED TOGETHER AND I ONLY SAW THE SMALLER ONE FOR A THOUSAND BUCKS. THE OTHER ONE WAS STUCK BEHIND IT. HOW STUPID OF ME TO GET EXCITED.CHEERSBuchwaldAt the beginning of 1965, Breslin was planning to travel to Washington, D.C. to cover President Johnson’s first inaugural ball. This elicited the following comment from Art Buchwald:JIM BELLOWS, EDITORUNDERSTAND JIMMY BRESLIN COMING DOWN FOR INAUGURATION. IF YOU WILL CHECK MY CONTRACT BRESLIN IS NOT ALLOWED SOUTH OF BALTIMORE WHILE I’M WRITING FROM WASHINGTON. I FEEL THE HERALD TRIBUNE WOULD BE MAKING A MISTAKE SENDING HIM HERE AT THE HEIGHT OF THE SOCIAL SEASON. BRESLIN’S MANNERS AND CLOTHES JUST WOULDN’T FIT IN WITH THE TYPE OF PEOPLE EXPECTED IN WASHINGTON NEXT WEEK, AND I STRONGLY URGE YOU TO PERSUADE HIM AGAINST MAKING WHAT I CONSIDER WOULD BE A GRAVE SOCIAL ERROR. THE GREAT SOCIETY IS NOT EQUIPPED TO TAKE CARE OF PEOPLE LIKE BRESLIN – AT LEAST NOT YET.Buchwald.ART BUCHWALD, HUMORISTWASHINGTON BUREAUTHANKS FOR OFFERING US SUCH PROFOUND EDITORIAL ADVICE. I AM CONFERRING WITH BRESLIN, AND WE HOPE SHORTLY TO COME UP WITH A BRESLIN- STYLE COMPROMISE. MEANWHILE, MR BRESLIN HAS SET MARVIN THE TORCH AND BAD EDDIE SOUTH TO PERSUADE YOU THAT THE GREAT SOCIETY INCLUDES JIMMY BRESLIN TOOBellowsP.S. JIMMY WANTS TO KNOW WHAT ROUTE YOUR CHILDREN TAKE WHEN THEY GO TO SCHOOL — AND WHAT TIME?

Buchwald v. Breslin: The Telegrams

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