Beware of Overambitious New Year’s Resolutions

New Year’s Resolutions for Lazy Household Items:Nonstick frying pan: I will try not to stick. Sort of. But if you heat something up, hey — that’s on you. And on me, actually. Like, forever.Pen by the message pad: I will sometimes be where you expect me to be so you can jot down a note. Annnnnd I will sometimes be far, far away, unfindable and unreachable. Consider it unlimited time off. Might I suggest a dry erase marker attached to a whiteboard?Dry erase marker: Might I suggest a pen attached to its obligations? As a “DRY” erase marker, I reserve the right to live up to my name. Whereas a PEN (see above) is always at the ready … if it’s not too lazy to take a note for you. What else is it so busy doing? Learning ancient Sumerian? Working on its backhand? Or conspiring with the broken pencil?Notepad: Why was I not invited to this meeting? Oh, yes — because the pen and the marker are the “vital parties.” I guess they could just go write on the wall. Why not? No one thinks about me anyway. As for my 2026 resolution, it’s to stay at my current page count. Send yourself an email.Alarm clock: I’ll just keep sitting here on the nightstand, like a dead rat. I know you use your phone to check the time, to wake you up, to keep you company. I’m just a mid-century decoration, and if I said 11:22 for the rest of my life, I doubt you’d ever notice. So that’s my plan.Bed pillow: I will provide a perfect eight hours of sleep, always cool and comfortable … IN YOUR DREAMS. Nighttime is MY time off too. Sometimes I just have to go full-bore lumpy. You would too, if you spent your life being drooled on.Winter boots: I hate snow. I’m gonna hide in the basement.Snow blower: Ditto.Shovel: If you don’t mind heart attacks, I’m right here.Winter hat: I’m fine with covering your head. But your ears? Let’s read the fine print. Oh, look — that is the job of your earmuffs.Earmuffs: Yep. Happy to cover your ears. But you do know you lose most of your body heat through your HEAD, right?Dish sponge: Hi, feel free to use me anytime you don’t mind your hands smelling like dishwashing liquid and mildew for the rest of the day. Really — my pleasure.Daily vitamin: It is up to YOU, not ME to remember I’m here. And then it is up to YOU, not ME, to open the childproof cap. If you find these things tough, well, you’ve made it this far with barely ever taking me. You’ll probably last through 2026. (Which is technically two years past my expiration date.)Slice of Swiss: Don’t mind me. I’m just sitting here in a “Flavor-Loc” baggie, livin’ the dream. If this were the Eastern Front in World War II, you’d be overjoyed to see my skinny, dried-out self. This being America circa 2026, though, I’ll just wait out my days, quietly turning stiff as a board, waiting for the mold to find me. As it found your cream cheese from around Thanksgiving.Stapler: I will fasten a couple of sheets of paper together. By this, I mean literally a couple: two. What am I, bionic?Paper clip: I am not lazy like everyone else here. Put me to use. Let me clip some papers together. Just … not right now. I’m SO TIRED. The pen kept me up ALL NIGHT. P.S.: He is hiding under your New Yorker.The New Yorker: I’d tell you not to read me, but I know I don’t have to. Wake me in March. Happy New Year.Creators.com

Beware of Overambitious New Year’s Resolutions

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