As we begin the new year, here are some books I predict we’ll see:

“Harry Potter and The Full-Time In-Person Desk Job”: Ordered back to the office along with the rest of the Ministry of Magic, an increasingly pudgy Potter struggles with a Dementor-infested copying machine, ministry-wide restrictions on personal e-owls and, most vexingly, his officemate Parvati Patil, who calls him “Hotty Potty” and is constantly flying over to him to help her with Salesforce. Recommended only for those who loved “Harry Potter and the Temple of Zoom.”

“Grout”: Forget passion and perseverance, writes professor-turned-plumber Angela Duckworth. If you want something to really work — and that something is your leaky toilet — grit is not going to do the trick.

“The 5 Trillion People You Meet in Purgatory”: They’re all here and all inspiring … more or less. The inner-city violin teacher who failed to report her tutoring income to the IRS. The baker who always gave bread to the homeless but once told his mother to “Stuff it” when she started gushing about his brother’s new BMW. The lovable old lady who stole a roll of toilet paper from the senior center — and not just once. Lots of stories, lots of regret and, all told, a rather sobering read.

“The Life-Changing Art of Torching Your Apartment”: Since getting rid of stuff turns out to be impossible.  

“The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Authors”: Sit down. Start typing. Make a list, cut it in half, add a pull quote of stunning simplicity: “To lead, stop following.” Everything you need to know to become a bestselling business guru, plus 28 almost-true anecdotes and a glossy foldout poster of Taylor Swift’s wedding. Market share, baby.

“Demon Lemonhead”: You thought hard DRUGS were bad?

“Atomic Stomachs”: Just in time for Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s new dietary recommendations, learn how to keep down a beef-crust meatball pizza and raw milk chaser.

“The Annoyed Generation”: Have smartphones ruined a generation of kids? Who cares? The real question is: Why is my latte taking so long? And why is it so cold in here? And why do I have to reset my Spotify password AGAIN?

“The Pet Them Theory”: Your dogs want to be petted. Pet them. Easy-to-understand idea somehow stretched to 336 pages.

“Founding Fathers-in-Law”: Gripping story of the fathers of the wives of the guys who wrote the Constitution, with a real feel for what times were like back then — damp. If you liked “Hamilton” (and if you didn’t, better keep it to yourself), this book is just as thick.

“French Men Don’t Get Bald”: And did we mention French kids don’t get cavities? And French rats wear adorable little berets? More nyah-nyahs from across the sea.

“Who Moved My Leg?”: How to cope with change and — if necessary — inter-office amputation.

Also of note:

“Rich Dad, Rich Granddad”: The real story of how to get ahead.

“The Booty Keeps the Score”: Unexpurgated version of Bessel van der Kolk classic.

“Meekonomics”: Tips for inheriting the Earth (eventually — but first the “Rich Dad, Rich Granddad” folks are going to win for a while). 

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