Motherhood’s Mixed Emotions
This article is from the archive of The New York Sun before the launch of its new website in 2022. The Sun has neither altered nor updated such articles but will seek to correct any errors, mis-categorizations or other problems introduced during transfer.
At a bar mitzvah last weekend, I ran into a woman that I see a few times a year. I asked about her three children, and learned that her oldest is beginning fifth grade, and her youngest is finally in a full-day pre-Kindergarten program. For the first time in many years, this woman would have her days to herself.
She expressed great enthusiasm about this prospect, noting that actually, it would be the first time in “10 1 /2 years,” as if 10 years didn’t sound long enough.
I know that for the past decade she hasn’t worked outside the home, and I was curious what she was going to do with her newfound time.
“I can’t wait to do all the things that I haven’t had time to do, like organize my photo albums. And clean the attic,” she said.
“Are you going to do some stuff for yourself?” I asked, perhaps abrasively, now that I look back at the exchange.
“That is for myself,” she replied without missing a beat. “I’ve been waiting to have big chunks of time to do these projects. I can’t wait to do them; I will feel so much better.”
I found the conversation depressing. And I spent the rest of the evening wondering if I felt glum because, after 10 years of full-time child rearing, this woman aspired to no more than organizing her attic. Or more likely, because I knew in my heart that I could never find such satisfaction in having my albums up to date.
Women’s roles in the home and in the workplace today are as complicated as ever. For the majority of American mothers, staying home full-time is not an option. According to the AFLCIO, in 2002 nearly four out of five mothers of school-age children worked for pay, and 51% of mothers with infants were in the labor force. Seven out of 10 married working mothers worked more than 40 hours a week.
In 1970, 61% of children had mothers who stayed at home full-time. In contrast, by 2000, according to one study, 67% of children had mothers who were in the paid workforce.
But in New York City and the surrounding suburbs, there are some zip codes in which it would appear that 67% of children today have mothers who stay at home full-time.
Over the years, studies have found that the higher the husband’s income, the lower the labor force participation rate of his wife. In other words, families in which husbands earn higher incomes can afford the luxury of stay-at-home mothers.
But more recent studies have shown that while the need to make money is certainly the most popular explanation for the rise in number of working mothers, it is not the sole explanation for the increasing labor force participation of women.
A few years ago, economics professor Mahshid Jalilvand reported in the Monthly Labor Review on a new angle to this debate, in a study titled, “Married Women, Work and Values.” In it, she found that “working women appear to have a personal-value structure different from that of nonworking women; economic and political values are more prominent among women who work, while social and religious values play a greater role for women who stay at home.”
I do think that personal values play a role in the decision to work outside the home. As I watch my friends struggle to find the elusive balance, so much has to do with the fact that today, mothers of school-age children, now in their 30s and 40s, have been raised to expect to have it all – a family and a career. But unlike our counterparts 30, 20, and even 10 years ago, we have come to realize that having it all may not mean having it all at the same time.
For the mothers who are fortunate enough not to have to worry about making ends meet, there is still the decision as to whether or not to work. The decision to stay at home can feel like a betrayal of the Women’s Movement, while the decision to go to work can feel like a betrayal of your children. Certainly part-time solutions can sometimes be found, but not always.
A mother of a child in my son’s class, who works demanding hours as an investment banker, speaks of her wish to work fewer hours. “When I spend more time with my kids, I can see the positive effect it has on them. I wish I could do it. But in my profession, it’s all or nothing. This is a business where the hungriest guy wins. There’s not a part-time option. But personally for me, there is also not a no-work option. I need to work.”
Another woman I know, a successful movie executive, says after working like a dog for more than 15 years, she is hoping to get fired. “Everyone keeps asking me what I would do with myself. I wouldn’t want to take my 2-year-old to Mommy and Me classes, I would just want to have the freedom to do what I want to do.”
Many women I know feel it is a privilege to be able to stay at home and raise their children. But most women I know – both those who’ve chosen to work and those who’ve chosen to stay at home – feel the tug in the other direction. They feel respect and admiration for the so-called other half’s choice, but also ambivalence about their own.
And so I think it was really a certain envy, not disdain, that I had for the mother at the bar mitzvah, who seemed to be free of the ambivalence that haunts me as I spend the bulk of my days ferrying children from one spot to the next, knowing full-well that when my 10 1 /2 years are up, I’ll be champing at the bit to move on to the next challenge.
Readers can address their parenting questions to Ms. Berman at sberman@nysun.com.