Generation ‘Special’

This article is from the archive of The New York Sun before the launch of its new website in 2022. The Sun has neither altered nor updated such articles but will seek to correct any errors, mis-categorizations or other problems introduced during transfer.

The New York Sun

A few years ago, my son received a cassette tape as a birthday present. Huge letters spelled out his name: JACOB.


The first song went something like this: “This song is for Jacob; he’s a special boy. This song is for Jacob, to have and enjoy.” My son’s eyes lit up. Despite the fact that I knew something was strange about it, I played it again and again for him. Thankfully, the “special” tape broke a few months later.


“Special” is a word that’s thrown around a lot these days. And if it’s not “special” it’s “amazing” or “unbelievable.” Children are used to hearing themselves described as “so smart” and “the most fantastic.”


“Parents of our generation spend a lot of time thinking about the consequences of spoiling our children materially,” says one mother of three. “But it is really this inflation of ego and sense of self that we should be worried about. … Praise becomes meaningless when it is tossed around so generously and without real substance. Since when did every picture or every dive or every cartwheel become reason to celebrate?”


One reason parents praise their children is because they think it will increase their self-esteem, and they think that children with high self-esteem are happier, do better at school, and are more likely to succeed. But it’s not that simple.


Praise is like those vitamins that come with warning labels: An overdose can be harmful. And having high self-esteem is not the panacea that some parents think it is. Researchers from Emory University found in a 2000 study that while high self-esteem does help children deal with stressful situations, it does not make them happier, more achievement-oriented, capable, or competent.


A study published in the American Psychological Association’s Journal of Personality and Social Psychology warns parents against praising children’s intelligence and academic performance. They caution that this kind of praise can lead children to believe that high test scores and good grades matter more than learning and mastering something new. Instead, the study’s authors recommend complimenting your child’s hard work, regardless of the outcome.


According to the researchers at Emory and at Harvard’s Project Zero, an educational research group, the way to build a child’s confidence is to help him identify his strengths and then work to develop them. Over-praising children, or lauding all children equally when some merit it and some do not, only devalues praise itself.


“I try to praise in a way that is selective and specific,” says a friend of mine. “My kids can see through the high voice, ‘Wow, you did that yourself?’ bull. At some point, maybe even when they’re 3 or 4, they begin to know what is worthy of real praise. I try to think of my response as feedback, not rote praise,” she says.


Praise should be in line with the level of achievement, and it should be honest. If the drawing isn’t great but the effort is noteworthy, then comment on the effort. If the dives are a big improvement from the ones you saw last week, then say so.


Everyone seems to agree that praising children too much is preferable to criticizing them too much. Our parents, and especially our grandparents, were probably more likely to criticize children than we are. So some observers think that’s why the pendulum has swung to the opposite extreme.


“My father was so critical. Of small things, of big things, you name it,” says a father of two. “Now that I have kids, I can maybe see that he was trying to do it so that I would constantly be improving myself, but let me tell you, I just felt like I couldn’t do anything right. If my biggest fault as a parent is over-praising, I’ll take it.”


But what’s going to happen to all these “special” children in a decade or two when they realize that they are no more special or fantastic or smart or beautiful than anyone else?


“The adjustment for these kids is going to be enormous,” says the mother of three who worries about applauding each cartwheel. “I remember my first boss. He certainly didn’t praise my every move. In fact, I remember receiving far more criticism in those first few years in the workforce than anything else. But it didn’t really faze me. My kids won’t know what’s hit them.”


But perhaps the pendulum is now beginning to swing back toward a more balanced attitude about praise. There will always be parents who think their child’s every move deserves a big “ooh” and “aah,” but everyone else can just tune it out. For those of us with a couple of children, that skill should be perfected by now.


The New York Sun

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