Thinking of running for public office — or about to be promoted to one, due to an unprecedented wave of resignations above you? Wait! In order to save the time and embarrassment it will take to remove you, too, kindly take this:

NEW YORK AND NEW JERSEY CANDIDATE PRE-CULPABILITY QUESTIONNAIRE:

When you use the word “never,” you mean: A) No comment. B) Ask my lawyer. C) Okay, once.

When you use the word “once,” you mean: A) More than a year, but less than a decade. B) More than a decade, but less than Gene Simmons. C) All the time, with your tax dollars, any place with a flat surface.

I say “knitted footwear,” you say: A) Hanes. B) Fruit of the Loom. C) This is incredible! Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, WOW!

I say, “third party,” you say: A) Ralph Nader. B) Ross Perot. C) Great — when?

“She did it first” is a good reason to: A) Kick your sister. B) Steal a cookie. C) Hook up with everyone east of Buffalo.

Before engaging in a classic ménage à trois, you stop to: A) Consider the repercussions. B) Ask yourself, “Is it worth it?” C) Put your Friday’s Wings in the fridge.

You are expected at a 2 p.m. meeting. You spend the night before: A) At home, chatting with your children. B) At the office, going over your speech. C) At a hotel, just in case your driver has a heart attack, your car plunges over the embankment and you have to crawl along the road, dodging traffic you can’t see, to get to the Albany Salutes Arbor Day plenary session on time.

It is legitimate to use campaign funds when: A) Your staff is getting hungry. B) Your suits are getting old. C) Your nether regions are feeling neglected.

You check into a hotel under an alias. You are there: A) With your spouse. B) To avoid your spouse. C) To find your spouse.

For that alias, you choose the name of: A) Your best friend. B) Your top donor. C) “Joseph Bruno.”

The slogan that best represents your campaign is: A) At least I’m not Spitzer. B) At least I’m not McGreevey. C) I’m David Paterson and I Am the Governor of New York, At Least for the Moment.

When asked if you’ve ever used drugs, you respond: A) Only in the 1970s. B) Only in the 1980s. C) Only in my nose.

You suspect your political enemy is as corrupt as you are. You: A) Cast not the first stone, for who among us is without sin? B) Cast not the first stone, for the guy hath got a giant mound of boulders. C) Subpoena his helicopter records, swear you didn’t, and wake up under a pile of rocks.

Complete this sentence. A good public official is bound to: A) Serve the public. B) Provide hope. C) The bed.

If you were to choose a nickname, it would be: A) The (Hetero) Luv Gov B) The (Gay) Luv Gov. C) The (Hetero, Paying, No Glove) Luv Gov.

This headline best describes the rumors about you: A) Blind, Women, and Bong. B) Chauffeur, So Good: McGreevey. C) Sex Sans Sox Sux: Spitz.

FILL IN THE BLANK: What long, skinny, sometimes ribbed thing do you put on your appendage before having sex with a stranger? ___________

SCORING (so to speak): If you answered any of these questions with any of these answers, please stay out of office. That goes double if you filled in the blank with “sock.”

lskenazy@yahoo.com