The tall black man at the Upper East Side cocktail party was a talk show host and Internet columnist: witty, urbane, conservative. The conversation had been spirited, politically charged, and so after I introduced myself, one of the first things he asked was, “What do you think about the illegal immigration issue?” I laughed and said, “Well, as a Puerto Rican and a native New Yorker, it doesn’t affect me personally but I will say one thing. It’s a very complicated issue.”

“No it’s not,” he said, ” It’s very simple. They broke the law and we need to kick them out. It’s very simple.”

Our ensuing battle of words never got heated, but was emblematic of the divide among conservatives. I’m not very glib and suffer the same tendency as our president to mangle syntax. My friendly opponent was quick with ready repartee and was a veteran guest on “The O’Reilly Factor” and other cable talk shows.

I asked him if he knew any illegal immigrants and he answered, “Yes, and I stopped shopping at their stores.” I meant did he know any personally, had they eaten in his home. Apparently he did not, and I went on to explain that not all illegal immigrants came here illegally. One woman I know, came here as children under the sponsorship of a relative who died suddenly, leaving her family from the Dominican Republic stranded here, unable to return to the Dominican, even for funerals. My sparring partner scoffed at this tale and more or less branded me – me! – a bleeding heart.

“They come here and get welfare, food stamps, they don’t pay taxes. They’re a drain on our social services,” he said, growing more and more animated as he ticked off some of the most egregious complaints that conservatives have about illegals. I share many of these grievances.

Considering the fact that my son, who was born here, can’t open a bank account because he doesn’t have enough forms of government-issued IDs, while illegal immigrants can easily acquire driver’s licenses, I agree that the system is beyond ridiculous. Meanwhile, politicians like former Council member of East Harlem, Bill Perkins, are pushing to get voting privileges for noncitizens. Unbelievable! I wouldn’t object at all to voter registration photo ID cards. Municipalities should be able to access voting databases at least as efficiently as credit card companies do. Needless to say, the Democratic Party would vanish overnight if this ever happened.

I am also against social services for illegals, and recently proposed legislation in the Senate allowing Social Security payments for them defies comprehension. When it comes to our national security, I do believe in racial profiling. I say this as a person likely to be subjected to it by the color of my skin. I do not support bilingualism in public schools.

Nevertheless, when it comes to solving this “crisis,” I find those on the right to be as bereft of a viable solution as those on the left are when dealing with terrorism. When I suggested to my companion the practical difficulty in dealing with illegals who have been here for years, he said, almost cavalierly: “We need to get rid of them. Malaysia did it and so can we.”

At this point, I ended our conversation saying that we should just agree to disagree. Frankly, I was astounded that any sane person could suggest that we follow the example of an Islamic country with a known anti-Semitic history. Malaysia’s mass deportation of hundreds of thousands of illegal Indonesian and Filipino immigrants has resulted in riots and bloodshed. Workers and their families are still perishing in border camps. I hardly consider Malaysia’s policy one to emulate in dealing with the more than 12 million illegals in our country.

Illegal immigrants come here for jobs, which they cannot get in their own countries. The problem with Mexico is that it is deliberately encouraging the exodus, thanks to its essentially racist class structure, and until the current administration either changes course or is removed, that situation will remain in place.

The problem is not that illegals are taking jobs away from Americans. There is a dwindling work force because Americans, like Europeans, are breeding themselves out of existence. Muslims, who have little intention of assimilating, have inundated Europe. But our immigrant invasion is predominantly Christian and could be an asset, provided that they are inculcated with the values of America’s founding fathers. Most immigrants instinctively know that this is the greatest country in the world.

It may be easy for debaters holding a drink in one hand to suggest that mass deportation is simple. I, however, see faces I recognize in those hordes – and to me that makes it very complicated.