No one can truly fill the shoes of Howard Stern, but Viacom’s Infinity radio division is going to try. Last week, Infinity chairman Joel Hollander said it will be looking for five or six new hosts for the morning show.Well, look no further, Mr. Hollander: Your new all-star programming schedule – for every day of the work week – has arrived.

MONDAY

Anna Wintour – Style

If Mr. Stern was “The King of All Media,” then Ms. Wintour is “The Queen of All Fashion.” Yes, style is a visual medium, but with her clout, she could get any designer, stylist, or celebrity on the show – and then make them squirm.

TUESDAY

Regis Philbin – Softball Interviews

Let a man be a man. Mr. Philbin is as close to a vaudeville showman as we’ve got. But he’s been working with medium-funny blondes for so long, he hasn’t been able to finish a joke since the Reagan administration. It’s time for Reg to fly – solo.

WEDNESDAY

John Simon –

Arts and Movies

Non-New Yorkers may not know this senior theater critic, but once they do, they’ll be hooked on his unfiltered, dark wit (which some would call bile, but that’s a matter of taste). After a lifetime of watching performing arts crumble into soul-crushing mediocrity, he’s tough as nails. And his mitteleuropa grumble is a natural for radio.

THURSDAY

Jenna Jameson –

Relationships

Hiring Ms. Jameson to replace Mr. Stern may seem like going from the frying pan into the fire. But it would be a safe move. This porn star is an ambitious woman with a head for business. She’d make the show racy enough to grab ratings but clean enough to keep her deal lucrative.

FRIDAY

Bono – Politics, Music, Anything He Wants

The U2 front man has something to say – and he wants you to know it. He’s been using the stage as a pulpit already. Why not let him on the air? He couldn’t be any worse than Dennis Miller as a football announcer.