Young Adult Dating Rules Decoded

If you’re a parent who thought “talking” just meant talking, you don’t understand the modern relationship vocabulary of high school and college-age youths. The map that takes an 18-year-old from “hello” to “boyfriend” was decoded for me recently, and I share it here with you. That’s the good news. The bad news is that its seven stages are a monument to many of the ruinous ideas inculcated into this generation. Stage one is “snapping” — an image sent on Snapchat that signifies interest. Responding in kind says, “I’m interested, too.” Next comes “chatting.” This involves texts on Snapchat that signal more interest but no commitment. Stage three is the “engineered accidental encounter,” where you plan to meet at a party but pretend you just happen to be at the same place at the same time. “Liquid courage” often accompanies this stage, and so does “hooking up.”Stage four, “hanging out,” follows. It could involve a Sunday morning coffee or dinner in a group. This is not a “date.” Stage five is a one-on-one date, with no promise of exclusivity. Importantly, this is “going on dates” but not “dating.” Stage six, “seeing each other,” is where exclusivity happens but integration into each other’s social circles or families may not.Stage seven is when the big words get used: boyfriend and girlfriend. Here is where exclusivity and expectations meet public acknowledgment. Every stage is a baby step, designed for one overarching purpose: to mitigate risk. A young man doesn’t have to risk crossing the room to introduce himself to a young woman. There’s an emoji for that. Either party can leave at any point and insist there was nothing to leave.With no labels, expectations or commitments, no one can really be rejected or “fail,” at least publicly. Of course, failure is a prerequisite for building resilience and for growth, but our culture of coddling and of “everyone gets a trophy” taught our young people to avoid it at all costs. What a tragic mistake. Young men should cultivate that uniquely masculine aspect of themselves that barrels, chest-first, into a challenge, not knowing the outcome. They should discover the adventure of the pursuit and invite the risk of failure, learning how to recover from it before they go out into the world where they will inevitably face it with regularity. They are heading onto the field without having attended a single practice.Young women aren’t served by this either. The relationship map tracks more to men’s instincts and impulses than women’s, no matter what modern feminism teaches. When a young man moves on after stage four and a sexual encounter without so much as a “breakup,” a young woman with no “right” to feel discarded has to suppress her disappointment and shame.Worse, she might be tempted to weaponize both as injury. She signed up for a system that ignores thousands of years of evolution that make her a terrible candidate for commitment-free “hanging out” — and she has to pretend she is “chill” about it, too.The old dating rules seem old-fashioned, and perhaps they were too rigidly “sexist” for some. At least they respected biology and human nature. They differentiated between the sexes and elevated important mating rituals like flirting. They were concerned with personal dignity and inspired romance.They also forced men and women to take risks and face rejection. There was wisdom there that was too casually discarded.Ironically, the current dating rules, which were designed to minimize the number of “nos” a man hears, may actually be eliminating many potential “yeses.” Many of the young women I spoke with said they wished men would throw away the modern map and just ask them out.They would even be inclined to accept a date with someone they might not otherwise consider because nothing, as most of us know and as science has confirmed, is more attractive in a man than confidence. It’s a shame so many young men are designing their dating experiences to avoid building any.

Young Adult Dating Rules Decoded

Young Adult Dating Rules Decoded

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