How Parents Can Replace the Doom Loop That Stifles Autonomy for Children

“Lenore, did you say you don’t CARE about kids and phones?”That’s what a child psychologist just emailed me.My response: It’s NOT that I don’t care about phones. It’s that this is how children are growing up (from an article I just read):“Last week, my grandson asked permission to walk to the store 3 blocks away. His mother checked the GPS tracker on his phone, reminded him about stranger danger, and set a 20-minute timer for his return.”That childhood would depress ANYONE. Being treated like a Brink’s delivery: tracked, timed, watched, warned and distrusted. Not to mention underestimated, pumped full of fear, and given less freedom than a dog in a dog run. By the people who love him (and presumably KNOW him) the best.When that is all the autonomy you are allowed, it should not surprise anyone that you’d DIVE INTO YOUR PHONE, where you can meet up with friends, chat, play, go on adventures and exercise your curiosity. It is an alternative universe to the one that is right outside your door but completely OFF LIMITS to you. Sure, there are no smells, no tastes, no textures online. No sun on your face. But at least it’s a place where you get to be YOU, following your interests. FINDING your interests. Flirting, joking, hanging with friends.If we want to see tots’ mental health improve, we have to focus at LEAST as much on this HARDER half of the equation. It’s not just that phones are “experience blockers.” It’s that WE are experience blockers. And it’s not because we are horrible helicopter parents, but because our CULTURE has convinced us that children need constant supervision, assistance and “teaching” (from soccer to Kumon) or else they are in danger of being hurt or falling behind, and WE are in danger of being seen as bad parents.That’s why my goal is to reframe independence as a GIFT we can give our tots. And when we give them that, it replaces the fear loop (What could go wrong … OMG so much … Will I regret it for the rest of my life? … Yes. … So why let go? It’s too terrifying … I WON’T) with the trust loop (I let them go and — Wow. Look how competent. … How proud I am … How proud they are … What am I going to let them do next? … A TON…).So it’s NOT that phones are good for tots. I don’t think they are. They sap their sleep. They eat their days. But my point is this:It is really easy to hate phones.It is really hard to open the door.For a generation, we’ve been taught that the real world is too much for children — too dangerous or overwhelming. But it’s not. It’s thrilling and fulfilling, and that’s what we must give them back.And the only way for that to happen is through ACTION: Actually letting our tots do something ON THEIR OWN and getting flooded with the fear at first, yes. And then the pride and exhilaration of “LOOK AT MY CHILD” that allows us to do it again and again and again.Creators.com

How Parents Can Replace the Doom Loop That Stifles Autonomy for Children

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