Real World Olympic Sports

How come they always have the same old sports at the Olympics? Run, jump, play with a ball — you’ve got to wonder if the Olympic Committee isn’t really a front for some very powerful dogs. Just because they call it “discus” doesn’t mean it’s not Frisbee. So where does that leave the rest of us? Those of us who have been working for years on skills the committee has yet to recognize? With corporate sponsors fearing viewer flight and China aching to make a splash, maybe it’s time for:New Olympic Sports for large but previously neglected demographic groups.Group: People who don’t know what else to do with their coffee table booksSport: Coffee-Table TennisIdentical in most respects to table tennis, except played in a living room full of breakable objects. And instead of paddles, participants use “The Art of the Nude” or “Edward Hopper.”Group: Cuteness AddictsSport: Wrestling-LingParticipants wrestle with giant pandas, tickle them, and feed them bamboo. Be honest. Could you not watch?Group: The Recently UnemployedSport: Hello My Name is Bob SleddingIn this first Olympic event open only to long-term workers shocked to find themselves suddenly laid off, participants hurling downhill feet-first must “accidentally” run into five of their fellow sledders and exchange business cards without slowing down or crying.Group: TV PunditsSport: ZugbyZugby players tackle their Sunday morning guests to the ground then poll them on what they’re looking for in a tax plan.Group: Frat BoysSport: Chicken CroquetDrunk young men with mallets hit balls between the legs of angry chickens. Think this doesn’t happen all the time?Group: New YorkersSport: Synchronized SubbingParticipants board the downtown C train at 59th for Chambers Street. They have .03 seconds at 42nd to decide if they should jump off and wait for the A, stay on the C, or sprint over to the 1, 2, and 3. Ear-jarring announcement, “Ficklesruggershmehservicetemporarily,” indicates one of these lines is out of service. But which?Group: Olympic TouristsSport: Buy-Kwon-DoughTourists are locked in the Olympic Village gift shop for 20 minutes. Anyone to emerge without a giant pencil, folding fan, or gold medal wins a gold medal. Second prize: Folding fan. Third prize: Giant pencil.Group: Mothers of Pre-SchoolersSport: SadmittenOne mitten, red with a snowman motif, has been lost somewhere in Beijing. This includes playgrounds, sandboxes, washing machines, noodle shops, and the olympic bleachers. Mothers from 122 countries compete as the judge, age 4, starts to cry. First to find it gets a huge hug. Mothers caught buying the exact same mitten at the 99-yuan store are disqualified because the original snowman “looked happier,” according to the judge, who is now on the floor, screaming and biting.Group: Artsy, Aspen TypesSport: Downhill GuggenheimingOn a shiny silver surface designed for China by Jeff Koons, skiers circle their way downhill, swooshing around giant Mylar breasts.Group: American Tabloid EditorsSport: Spears TossingPoints won for the tossing of any reference to any member of the Spears family.Group: Girl Camp CounselorsSport: Tug of S’MoreFive molten s’mores are placed on a picnic table with 10 camper/counselor teams facing each other. Counselors who successfully convince their camper to give the child across the table the bigger half advance to the Tug of Popsicle Stick Log Cabin. Top two teams compete in Tug of Boyfriend Who Couldn’t Care Less About Girls Yet.Group: Boy Scout Troop LeadersSport: TentathlonZipped into a tent somewhere along the Great Wall, scout leaders must convince five hungry, homesick scouts that the rain just makes things cozier. As do the mosquitoes.Group: Mall RatsSport: PantathalonFirst one to try on five pairs of pants — and buy them all — wins.Group: Frequent FlyersSport: WeightshiftingParticipants saving the $15 American Airlines checked baggage fee must stuff a wild boar into the overhead bin and remove him five hours later. Warning: Contents may have shifted.And worse.lskenazy@yahoo.com

Real World Olympic Sports

Real World Olympic Sports

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